Jeeves and the Baiser Florentin, part 5

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

Title: Jeeves and the Baiser Florentin
Author: Wotwotleigh
Chapter: 5-ish, and entering the home stretch, I think
Pairing:  Jeeves/Bertie
Summary: Jeeves proposes an unusual solution to a young couple's romantic dilemma.
Rating: G
Words: 1,919
Disclaimer: Jeeves and Bertie belong to Wodehouse. I'm just writing this for fun. 

Part 1 is here.
Part 2 is here.
Part 3 is here.
Part 4 is here.

Here's a wee bit more!

 

As it turned out, Jeeves was already among those present. He had been standing quietly in the background, blending in amongst the lamps and armchairs and things. Upon hearing his young master's cry of distress, however, he stirred respectfully to life and drifted forward. "Sir?" he said.

"Did you see that, Jeeves?" I groaned.

A muscle at the corner of his mouth quirked indulgently. "I did indeed, sir. A most skillful performance. It appears that your lack of confidence was unfounded."

"No, dash it, you don't understand! I'm sunk! I kissed the wrong person! Now, no doubt, the blasted girl is going to hand her affianced the mitten and latch on to me. You just watch, Jeeves. She'll be coming back through that door any minute, speaking in ominous tones about how she thinks a small, intimate ceremony will be just the ticket."

That muscle quirked again. Jeeves never laughs, but my trained eye could sense that he was coming within a toucher of doing so now. I drew myself up. "Do find something amusing in this situation, Jeeves?" I asked coldly.

"A laughable misunderstanding, sir."

"Jeeves!"

"Forgive me, sir. It was tactless of me."

"Now is not the time for hilarity."

"No, sir."

"Here I am, neck-deep in the soup, and you're practically in paroxysms."

"Of course, sir. I do sympathize with your distress."

"I should jolly well hope you do. It was your dratted scheme that got me into this mess. That blasted kiss of yours is a menace to society. That sort of thing ought to be soundly checked. No wonder the Ganymedes have been keeping it under lock and key."

Jeeves coughed gently and assumed the stuffed frog mantle once more. I lit a moody gasper. "Well, I suppose there's nothing for it but to stiffen the upper lip and wait for the worst," I said at length, "unless you have something to suggest."

"Nothing occurs to me at the moment, sir, but I will endeavor to formulate a solution."

"Thank you, Jeeves."

"Will you be dining in tonight, sir?"

"I think so, Jeeves. I'm hardly fit for human society."

"Very good, sir."

 

---

 

Jeeves's hash, though competently slung as always, turned to ashes in my mouth. I passed about half an hour pushing the food around on my plate and making bread pills before finally giving the whole thing up as a loss. I spent the remainder of the evening hiding in my chambers. I listlessly flipped the pages of my latest spine-chiller, but my heart wasn't really in it. I kept jumping at small noises, expecting Margie to come bursting in at any moment, talking wildly about the pros and cons of above-the-knee hemlines on trousseaus.

And Margie wasn't the only presence haunting the Wooster bean. I couldn't stop thinking about Jeeves. I mean, I think about Jeeves a goodish bit as it is, as any of you who are familiar with these little reminiscences of mine will know. I am generally the first chap to take notice of any number of the good fellow's scads of merits. However, until that afternoon, I had never given so much as a passing thought to the smell and texture of his hair, and now I couldn't seem to get the subject off my mind for anything.

When the hour of eleven-o-clock or so rolled around and there was still no sign of any Margies or Fitzralphs on the horizon, I finally crawled into bed and put a pillow over my head. I had a dickens of a time falling asleep, and when I did finally manage, my doss was disturbed by rummy dreams. I kept trying to kiss Jeeves, only to have him transform at the last minute into the Fungus of yore, sporting his full set of Oxford-era whiskers.

 

---

 

I was awakened from the fitful s. at the ungodly hour of nine ack-emma by the tinkling of the doorbell. I stifled a groan – one of those hollow ones – and pulled the covers up to my chin. Merely staving off the inevitable, of course, but it took some of the edge off. Gentle sounds of stirring without told me that Jeeves was already on his way to admit the dreaded visitor.

His salutation, though muted, penetrated the door to my sanctum. "Good morning, Miss Gascoigne," he said.

"Good morning, Jeeves," came the reply. "I don't suppose Bertie's up yet?"

"No, miss. Mr. Wooster is still asleep."

I thought I perceived a little sigh. "I thought he might be. I don't suppose he usually climbs out of his coffin until the sun is starting to set."

"Might I enquire as to the nature of your visit, miss?"

"I wanted to talk to him about what happened yesterday."

I nestled deeper among the bedclothes. I was just telling myself that I may have had it, but my last few minutes as a free man should at least be cozy ones, when I heard Jeeves give that quiet cough of his. Hope stirred somewhere within the hollow depths of my bosom.

"I hope I am not taking too great a liberty, but if you might permit me to explain, miss. Mr. Wooster is—"  

Being familiar with Jeeves' form, I was anticipating something pretty fruity. But I never learned what he had in store, because Margie had suddenly cut him off with a silvery laugh. Had I not already been prone, you could have knocked me down with an f. after what she said next. "Oh, Jeeves," she said, having unshipped the aforementioned s. l., "there's no need for any explanations. I know the poor goof was only trying to help."

Jeeves sounded almost as blowed as I was, although it might not have been obvious to an untrained ear. "Indeed, miss?" he said.

"Indeed, Jeeves. Unlike that lovely idiot you work for, I'm smarter than I look. I know that dynamite smackeroonie wasn't really meant for me."

Under other circs, I might have taken issue with being called a "lovely idiot", but I had so much goodwill for the little blister sloshing about inside of me that she could have called me anything she liked, as far as I was concerned. In short, I was deeply moved.

"Most perceptive, miss," said Jeeves.  

"Oh, a girl can tell. I'm not saying it wasn't hot stuff – you'd need asbestos lips to come out of something like that unscathed. But something was missing. His mind must have been on someone else."

I had to bite my knuckle to keep back the hearty "Amen!" that was straining at my lips. Why, I asked myself, couldn't the Madelines and Honorias of the world tap into just a smidgeon of this beazel's keen insight?

"Say, where did Bertie learn to kiss like that, anyway?" Margie asked, moving on to another subj.

"I really could not say, miss."

Apparently having decided that the source of my prowess was one of those unsolvable mysteries for the ages, she took up yet another thread. "Dear Peveril was in such a state. It was all I could do to keep him from storming back in here and throttling poor Bertie. I spent half the night calming him down."

"I am sure Mr. Wooster will be most grateful for your intervention, miss."

He was hardly doing my feelings justice. It was only by exercising the utmost restraint that I kept myself from leaping out of bed and going into a buck-and-wing dance.

"Oh, Jeeves," she went on in a wistful tone, "I've had some pipterinos, and I have to class that kiss up there with the best of them. But, funny as it sounds, it just made me realize how much I love Peveril. He drives me to distraction, but I'm absolutely dippy about him. Even Bertie's red-hot lips couldn't turn my head."

"I am most gratified to hear it, miss."

"I do wish there was something that could be done, though."

"Miss?"

"About this silly bashfulness of his. He seems hopeless."

"I feel I must differ with you on this point, miss. Although Mr. Wooster's pedagogical method proved ultimately ineffective, Mr. Fitzralph did demonstrate a marked eagerness to learn."

"Well, I'll give you that. It was awfully brave of him to try, wasn't it?"

"Indeed, miss."

"It's all ruined now, though," she said mournfully. "He saw Bertie's work. He's convinced he'll never be able to measure up. I'll probably have to work on him for another six months before he'll even think of trying again."

"If I might make a suggestion, miss?"

"You jolly well might, Jeeves! I'm all ears."  

"Perhaps, miss, if you were to initiate the embrace, rather than waiting for Mr. Fitzralph to do so, you would achieve more satisfactory results."

"You mean . . . I kiss him?"

"Yes, miss."

"The way Bertie kissed me?"

"A similarly nuanced delivery would be advisable, although you need not necessarily follow precisely the same form."

"Well, I'm sure it will be good fun, but what will it accomplish, in the end? I want him to learn to kiss me, Jeeves."

"I suspect that Mr. Fitzralph, having received one such kiss from you, will yearn for another."

"And I won't give it to him?"

"No, miss. You must affect to be oblivious to his desire."

"Give him a taste of his own medicine, eh? I like it, Jeeves."

"Precisely, miss. Eventually, his concupiscence will overwhelm his diffidence."

I know most of Jeeves' gags by now, but that one eluded me. I made a note to ask him about it later. Margie seemed to catch his drift, at any rate.

"Golly, Jeeves! You think it will work?"

"The contingency is a likely one, miss."

There was a silence, and I could tell she was putting in a bit of concerned lower-lip chewing. "But will he know how to deliver the goods?" she finally asked. "He was doing an awful job of it before."

"I fancy, miss, that your demonstration of the proper form will aid his performance considerably."

"Gosh, I suppose it would at that."

"I would also point out that kissing, like dancing, is aided more by soul than technique. It is the underlying emotion that endows a well-executed kiss with its particular je ne sais quoi."

"I guess you're right," she said thoughtfully. "Coo, I'd give anything to know who Bertie was thinking about when he laid that lulu on me last night. She's one lucky girl, whoever she is."

"A most fortunate individual indeed, miss."  

Their banter continued for a couple more minutes, and I gathered from the timbre of their fat-chewing that the interview was drawing to a close. She weighed in with a couple how-can-I-ever-thank-you-Jeeveses, and he came across with a think-nothing-of-it-miss or two. He must have been ushering her over the threshold when she gave a sudden squeak.

"Oh, Jeeves!"

"Miss?"

"I nearly forgot! I found this last night. Bertie must have gotten it mixed up with my things when he was carrying all those bags and parcels for me. See that he gets it, won't you, Jeeves?"

"Of course, miss."

And with that, she biffed off, leaving me stymied. I hadn't the foggiest notion what she could be on about.

I didn't have to wait long for my answer. Not fifteen minutes later, Jeeves floated in with the morning sustenance. Nestled on the tray beside the kippers and toast was a small, handsome jewelry box. In the frantic rush of recent events, I had completely forgotten about those silver cufflinks.

  

Comments

[erynn999.livejournal.com]

oooooooh!

Yes, Bertie, give Jeeves not just those cufflinks but a huge and thorough smackeroonie! WOOT!

[trista-zevkia.livejournal.com]

Yes, the cufflinks the lovely fool bought in complete innocence, just trying to be nice. Hehehehe! Do I need to add that I'm enjoying this?

[erynn999.livejournal.com]

Bertie's heart is obviously way better than his brain at this stuff, you know? ;)

[trista-zevkia.livejournal.com]

And Jeeves' brain is better at this stuff than his heart. It's almost as if they were made to complete each other. But what kind of sicko would think that ;p

[erynn999.livejournal.com]

Um... one of us?

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

The best kind of sicko, clearly! :D

[erynn999.livejournal.com]

Like I said, one of us. ;)

[saylee.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy to see more of this! Go on, Bertie, you know it's Jeeves you want to be kissing.

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

I think Bertie's slowly figuring it out.

[mxdp.livejournal.com]

"That blasted kiss of yours is a menace to society. That sort of thing ought to be soundly checked. No wonder the Ganymedes have been keeping it under lock and key."

Pfffhaha, oh Bertie...

[doctorpancakes.livejournal.com]

Oh Bertie. *giggles* Kiss him, you lovely idiot!

[coffee-n-retcon.livejournal.com]

While I am certainly enjoying this, part of me wants to just go over there and give them each a shove into the other's arms!

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

Never fear, they're about to figure it out! ;)

[triedunture.livejournal.com]

This is probably the FUNNIEST Bertie voice ever. I love eet! I'm giggling the whole way through.

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

:D :D :D Oh my, that's a huge compliment! Thank you! <3

[sex-in-spats.livejournal.com]

I have not been commenting on this fic, but I have been reading it faithfully and waiting for each installment with bated breath. And since I have been so remiss, I'll take this moment to say you've captured Bertie's narrative voice perfectly. Not one false note so far - this is not an easy accomplishment, and I applaud you! (Also, extra points for using one of my favorite words: concupiscence.)

I will be a good community citizen and give future installments of this fic the gushing comments they will doubtlessly deserve. After this one is finished, is there anything more in the pipeline? It would be a crime to let a talent like yours go to waste. ;-)

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

*blushes profusely* Oh my goodness, thank you so much!

I don't have any specific story ideas just yet, but I definitely plan to write more. This has been so much fun.

[the-archandroid.livejournal.com]

awww, look at that! a girl with common sense and a gift from bertie from the heart... I'm rubbing my hands w. glee over jeeves imminent reaction.

[emeraldreeve.livejournal.com]

Great chapter! I like Margie. I'm looking forward to more of your story!

[pantropia.livejournal.com]

There's more of this, yes?

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

Yep! The final chapter is right here: http://indeedsir.livejournal.com/955383.html