Part three!

[wotwotleigh.livejournal.com]

Title: Jeeves and the Baiser Florentin
Author: Wotwotleigh
Chapter: 2.5?
Pairing:  Jeeves/Bertie
Summary: Jeeves proposes an unusual solution to a young couple's romantic dilemma.
Rating: G
Words: 1,469
Disclaimer: Jeeves and Bertie belong to Wodehouse. I'm just writing this for fun. 

Here's a little more!

Part 1 is here.
Part 2 is here.

ETA: I just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate the kind comments. You guys are awesome. Unfortunately, I'm going to be incredibly busy all weekend, but hopefully I will have more for you by the beginning of next week.

By the time Jeeves shimmered in with the restorative, my powers of speech had returned.  I gazed up at him wonderingly from the armchair into which I had sunk. "Jeeves," I said, and admit my voice may have trembled a bit, "you are a marvel."

                "It is good of you to say so, sir."

                "You have unquestionably come across with the right stuff."

                "I am delighted to have been of service, sir."

                "A kiss like that would melt lips of stone. Margie will be putty in Fungus's arms, assuming he can pull the thing off. I wouldn't put it past the web-footed muddler to somehow bungle the whole project." I paused for a moment to restore the tissues. A question had been rattling about somewhere in the back of the bean, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The stimulating effect of the spirits I had just put myself around the outside of brought it trickling to the surface at last. "The thing I want to know, Jeeves, is why?"

                "Sir?"

                "Not that I'm complaining, but why didn't you lay that stick of trinitrotoluol directly on Fungus? Eliminate the middle man, as it were?"

                "It would hardly be my place to take such a liberty with the gentleman, sir," he said. "Besides, I felt that the procedure would be better received were it to come from you, his trusted friend and peer."

                "Well, perhaps you're right. You usually are."

                "Thank you, sir."

                "Just speaking sooth, Jeeves."

                "I would also ask, sir, that you do not reveal the source of the method to Mr. Fitzralph."

                "Really, Jeeves? Well, if you say so, but you know I am always a man to give credit where credit is due."

                "An admirable sentiment, sir, but I must insist upon discretion in this matter."

                "Oh, ah," I said, seeing all. "Another of those guild secrets of yours, is it? Something you picked up from the chaps at the Junior Ganymede?"

                His map flickered in a rummy manner before he spoke. "Something of that nature, sir."

                "Well, I must say, those Ganymedians are a strict bunch. But I wouldn't want to see you standing in the middle of a hollow square of butlers, getting your buttons snipped off. Your secret is safe with me, Jeeves."

                "Thank you, sir."

                "And I don't suppose it would stand either of us in any great stead if Aunt Agatha found out, what?" I went on.

                "One shudders to think, sir."

                "You remember how she reacted when Uncle George married that barmaid. She'd probably blow a gasket if she found out I had been going about kissing the domestic staff, even if it was for educational purposes."

                He flickered again. "Precisely, sir."

                "When am I supposed to have my tête-à-tête with old Fungus, anyway?"

                "Quite soon, I should imagine, sir. The young gentleman had expressed a desire to call on you this evening, after he had spent some time exploring the metropolis with Miss Gascoigne."

                I started a bit. An unsettling thought had popped into the bean. "So soon, Jeeves? Gosh, I don't know if I'm up to it!"

                "I am confident that you will perform the task admirably, sir."

                "But . . . I've never tried it, dash it! I mean, not on the giving end of the thing."

                Jeeves floated forward respectfully, and gave a gentle cough. "If you are in need of a subject on whom to test the technique, sir, I would be happy to lend my services," he said.

                I gave a couple of quick gulps, and rose to my feet like a rocketing pheasant. "Good lord, why didn't I think of that?"

                "I couldn't say, sir."

                 I gulped a couple more times, and took a step forward. For some reason I was suddenly feeling as bashful as dammit. It was as if an entire troupe of butterflies was performing a chorus act in my midsection. I stood there for a moment shooting my cuffs. A mere palliative, perhaps, but that sort of thing sometimes helps take the edge off at moments like this. "Let's take the preliminaries as read this time, shall we?" I said.

                "As you wish, sir."

                "Right. Here goes."

I had just slid my arms around him and was preparing to hitch up my socks and smack into it when the doorbell tootled. In my agitated state, the bally thing hit me like a fire klaxon. I leaped about five feet into the air, and was still staggering about and clutching at my hammering heart when Jeeves opened the door and Fungus Fitzralph bounded across the threshold. Jeeves evaporated, as is his wont on such occasions, leaving me alone with my old school chum.

 

---

               

                "What ho, Fungus," I wheezed, once the room had stopped spinning.

Fungus had been standing in the doorway breathing stertorously and looking like a portrait of one of those tortured Victorian poet chaps who are mad, bad and dangerous to know, to use one of Jeeves's gags. When I spoke, he suddenly sprang to life. "Bertie," he said, dashing forward, "I need your help. Jeeves said you could . . ." He stopped and frisked me with a critical eye. "I say, have you been having a couple? You're red as a brick!"

I drew myself up censoriously. "I have not been having a couple," I said, although, sticking strictly to the facts, I had had exactly a couple. "I have merely been exercising. I am flushed with exertion."

"Oh, have you?" he said, raising a dubious eyebrow.

I drew myself up a little more. I was still feeling a bit rattled, and his manner was grating on me. I could feel my nerves starting to curl up at the ends. "Yes, I have. Is there something I can do for you, Fungus?" I said haughtily, dispensing with the idle chatter and getting down to brass tacks.

"Yes, there is. It's about Margie."

I held up a hand. My characteristic suavity was beginning to trickle back in. "Ah, yes. Well, never fear, old friend of my youth. I know all about it."

"And you have a solution?" he said, still raising the d. e.

"Yes, I do happen to have a solution, and I think you'll agree that it's a corker. It's all based on psychology. Dashed ripe stuff."

"Well, if you say so. When Jeeves said he couldn't think of anything, I figured it was a lost cause."

"I don't follow you, old bean. How do you mean, Jeeves couldn't think of anything? I had been given to understand that you came here earlier seeking my counsel."

He gave a laugh, one of those hard, bitter ones. "Good lord, no. When he suggested I ask you for help, I nearly walked out. I thought he had finally gone off the rails. But he's usually right, so I decided it was worth a shot."

I stiffened. He had wounded my amour-propre. "Oh, you did, did you?" I said haughtily, and I would have put across a pretty sharply worded retort if he hadn't cut in.

"Yes, well, never mind that. Why don't you tell me about this sure-fire plan of yours?"

"Fine," I said, and with a few well-chosen words, I put him abreast of the basic ruse or scheme.

He shook his head moodily and put in a little pacing. "It seems like pretty flimsy stuff to me, Bertie. Your plot is riddled with holes."

"Show me one hole," I said challengingly.

"First of all, no man in his right mind would pick a fight with Margie," he pointed out. "She'd send Genghis Kahn crying to his mother."

"You don't have to do any picking. You could just wait for one to roll around naturally."

"Second, you're forgetting that the whole dashed problem is that I don't know the first thing about kissing girls."

"No," I said, "but I do."

"And I suppose you're going to tell me how it's done?" he said, shooting me a supercilious glance, if supercilious is the word I want.

It occurred to me, as I eyeballed him back, that if one had to go kissing chaps – which, until my encounter with the recent Jeeves, was an occupation to which I had never given the most passing of thoughts – then one could do worse than this particular chap. As I mentioned earlier in my narrative, this Fitzralph had matured into a positively pulchritudinous specimen, well endowed with thews and sinews, dark wavy hair, smouldering eyes, and all the fixings. And yet, I found that the prospect did not fill me with espièglerie. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I felt that the last thing in the world I wanted to do was kiss the blighter, and hanged if I was going to do it.

Comments

[erynn999.livejournal.com]

*laughs* This just keeps getting riper. Bertie will no doubt shortly realize that it is Jeeves and only Jeeves upon whom he wishes to lay the proverbial oscular action.

[baskervwatson.livejournal.com]

Haha aw poor Bertie, damned if you do and damned if you don't. You've got their voices down so well. Can't wait for the next installment. Always brings a smile to my face :) x

[emeraldreeve.livejournal.com]

Lovely! I especially love the last sentence. I'm looking forward to more of your story!

[saylee.livejournal.com]

Wonderful! Poor Bertie, he'll figure it out eventually.

[burntcopper.livejournal.com]

Fungus, one feels you should be asking persons who are at least interested in the fairer sex. Like Bingo. Mr Wooster is occupied.

[coffee-n-retcon.livejournal.com]

Now really. Just how many cliffs do you have in your back pocket just waiting to pull out at a moment's notice? And are we meant to be left hanging from each any every one of those cliffs?

Don't do it Bertie. Follow Jeeves to his lair or kitchen or wherever he's shimmered off to and kiss him instead!

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

I love this. it's in character in every little detail, right down to Bertie's mistake about Lord Byron.

[trista-zevkia.livejournal.com]

Come on Bertie, let the Fungus to his own devices, you've got a Valet to liplock into arousal!
Wonderfully done, waiting for more!

[triedunture.livejournal.com]

ALL THE FIXINGS LOL

Oh, Jeeves is SUCH a little sneak! I cannot wait for Fungus' reaction when Bertie fails to deliver the goods. :D

[anansie-s.livejournal.com]

I'm truly loving this series! Excellent cliffhangers (dammit), and excellent turns of phrase all over the place.

[the-archandroid.livejournal.com]

tee hee! oh bertie, whatever shall you do? only one chap you want to kiss eh?