The Jooster diaries
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mxdp , a brilliant artist who invited us to write diary entries for any and all Jooster characters. Her LJ was inundated and you'll find the results behind the cut, as well as a link to her original page. Those who participated have all the diaries they wrote listed directly after their names. If I missed a diary you wrote, please tell me and I'll be happy to add it.
who_is_small
Gussie Fink-Nottle
MONDAY
Still desp. in love with Madeline. Unable to speak to Goddess.
Maybe to introduce Miracles of Nature? Able to speak fluently on subj.
TUESDAY
Showed Madeline aquatic larvae of newt.
Did not seem v. impressed though. Maybe if I elaborate?
WEDNESDAY
Luckily found Madeline in the garden. Seemed glad to see me.
Decided to hasten with action as not wanting to lose my nerves to love shivers again. Introduced larvae´s ability to regenerate eyes, spinal cords, intestines & lower & upper jaws. V. interesting, as cells at the site of the injury reproduce rapidly.
Sadly, Madeline v. cold and hastened to the house as not to catch sniffles.
Bally weather!!!
THURSDAY
Situation v. serious. Madeline seems to shy from my comp. Have not the foggiest why. Oh, Women!!! Why are you not more like Newts??!
Spode stomping around like black menace with hairy knees.
FRIDAY
Situation v., v. serious indeed. Inquiries via domestic stuff re: Madeline´s hobbies revealed fondness for fluffy bunnies. Now we are getting somewhere!!
Spode sitch. continues to rattle spirits.
SATURDAY
Disaster. Am at loss, complete desp. wrecking my soul. Sun shining merrily. Wish it would sod off. My eyes have no use for light.
Managed to corner Madeline by the pond. Sadly, did not manage to catch fluffy bunny as said f. b. v., v. fast buggers. But!! Have much better substitute.
Showed Madeline common garter snake with lovely yellow stripes. V. interesting, as toxin resistant garter snakes the only known animals able to eat a T. granulosa newt and survive. Dear girl fainted from happiness.
Was just trying to address sitch re: reviving tender goddess & not losing garter snake, when was brutishly attacked by mad Spode who wildly emerged from shrubbery.
Was thrown out of house.
Madeline locked in.
Glasses broken.
Have a desperate Plan.
SUNDAY
Desperate P. failed as sadly Ultimate Gift - firebelly newt with generous supply of chopped-up blood worms - locked with Madeline in house. Am baffled. At a loss.
Made a list of Credits and Debits, as Bertie swears to it. Do not know so much about that as Bertie a fat-headed dolt of first order. Am frantic though.
Debit: Yesterday´s hassle with gorilla-sized dictator disastrous as self chucked to pond.
Credit: Cold splash helped revive Madeline miraculously.
Debit: Madeline immediately attacked by nervous garter snake who has had enough.
Credit: Wide-eyed Madeline v., v. pretty.
Debit: And you saw her much what with glasses being broken.
Credit: Pathetic sight possibly touched girlish heart with sympathy?
Debit: Grimly suspect my attractiveness might have sustained a considerable leak. Not that there was much of it to begin with. Am desolate. Love Madeline feverishly. Spode disgustingly triumphant.
Credit: …
Debit: Bertie is a chump. He and his idiotic lists. What does he know about women.
Credit: Well he was engages sixty-four times since last August. You might learn something after all.
Debit: Not married though.
Credit: But that was due to fiendishly clever machinations of Jeeves. Now HERE is the chap to help me!!
TO LONDON!!!
V. V. secret diary of McIntosh the Dog
MONDAY
Got stuck again with that chump Wooster as Goddess on vacation. At least he smells nice.
TUESDAY
Locked in Iron Battle of Wills with the valet as per usual. Dark tensions ensue as valet embarrassed when self piddles in public places. Well what else are they for. I ask you.
Valet needs to sort out his priorities pronto.
WEDNESDAY
Not much to report. Eau de Wooster smelling nice, continues to sooth my frazzled nerves.
Piddled on carpet to gain advantage in BoW.
THURSDAY
Day brought sad tidings as vengenful valet withheld dinner re: carpet. I will show him.
FRIDAY
Had a great singing session with Wooster who appreciates obvious talents of self. Am fond of Wooster, though he is such chump.
Valet too close to Wooster for my liking.
BoW currently at a tie.
SATURDAY
Growl at valet every time said v. wraps his loathsome self around my friend Wooster. How the man can abide him, I have not the slightest idea. He may have read Spinoza, but so have I.
Won the BoW as bite on strategic place v., v. effective when said place not sheltered by clothing. Také this, valet´s gluteal muscles. Muahaha.
SUNDAY
All day suffering strongly re: locked in closet. Ate bright emerald paisley tie for vengeance. That will show you, valet!
Foodie diary of Mr. Hildebrand "Tuppy" Glossop - short excerpts
MONDAY
Breakfast: cereal w/milk, porridge, poached eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, kippers, beans, black pudding, cheese, French toast w. marmalade. Light meal, but ascetic restrain necessary as tennis practice afoot. Angela has been sarcastic lately.
Made up for the light fare at lunch, though.
Angela´s new hat makes her look like raccoon peering from under flowerpot. Claims is not so. Miffed with yours truly.
Women are irrational.
TUESDAY
Lunch:
Mousse de Saumon et Câpres
Filet mignon aux Oignons
Gratin dauphinois
Plateau de fromages et salade verte
Crème caramel
Angela still miffed. Will not budge. Have my pride. Insist she looks like raccoon in hat.
Dinner delicious.
WEDNESDAY
Bertie arrived in twoseater to steal something for Aunt D. again. I do not know how he puts up with it.
Angela still miffed.
Sylphides à la crême d'écrevissess et Mousse au Chocolat made me feel a little better re: sitch. Second helping of dessert as chocolate cure for broken heart. Mmmm.
THURSDAY
Dinner:
Salade d'Endives, Noix et Roquefort
Gratinée de Coquilles St Jacques
Onglet à l'Echalotte - Fondue de Poireaux
Plateau de fromages et salade verte
Clafoutis aux Abricots
Bombe Nero
Need I say more?!
Bertie in prison. I do not know how he puts up with it.
Angela still miffed.
Thought I saw her in garden this evening but when jumped up at her from bushes, quickly realised was kissing a v. surprised raccoon. Luckily no one saw.
FRIDAY
Am looking forward to lunch.
Jeeves arrived from holiday. About time, I´d say. Bertie walking around house like pale ghost until arrested. A. Dahlia´s scheme ghastly even for her usual frightful standard.
Angela still miffed. Attempts re: reconciliation failed dismally. Little blister called me fatto. AM NOT FAT!!!
SATURDAY
Bertie freed from prison. Angela sitch. solved most satisfactorily. Jeeves marvel with brain size of Worcestershire.
Promised Angela to dinner lightly as olive branch must be offered. Jeeves adamant about this. Smell of steak and kidney pie torturing yours truly in harrowing fashion.
SUNDAY
Last night´s raid of larder yielded most satisfactory results.
Crept around Bertie´s room. Heard Jeeves bossing him about undressing. I know the man is a genius, but limits are limits in my op. Bertie did not seem to mind though. Spineless weakling.
When sneaking back, moaning noises heard from room. Bertie clearly suffers, yet does not apply firm hand re: manservant! I do not know how he puts up with it.
Secret Diary of Dahlia Travers Mirror sister diary to that of Tuppy Glossop.
MONDAY
Dear diary,
if I ever again come up with such an idiotic plan as to run a weekly newspaper for women, be a dear and give me a paper cut.
Tom blasted Portarlington bally Travers plain refused to cough up another five hundred for Milady's Boudoir. Dough sorely needed. Rag in doldrums.
Angela´s new hat caused a rift between her and young fathead Glossop. Again. Wonder why she keeps buying them as every new hat equals broken engagement. Romantic child seems to need her adrenaline. Well, I miss the hunting days as well. How amazing was the rush of chase!
Need address sitch. re: missing wealth. Possibly gambling?
TUESDAY
Summoned Bertie with view of arranging trifling errand in shape of minor burglary in Tom´s loot. When returning lost treasure, the poor dear is sure to lavish the goods as overcome with gratitude. To ensure good tidings, Bertie could shoot himself in a foot as apprehending imaginary criminal.
What a wonderful idea!
WEDNESDAY
Loony nephew glad to seek shelter at Brinkley as Agatha having the rabies again. Jeeves playing shrimping pirate and will arrive on Friday. Ah, well. V., v. happy to see the young blot, especially re: trifling errand. Have prepared the gun.
On the other hand, caution is called for. When the two get here, I cannot make a careless step lest I fall over them engaging in infatuated shenanigans. Holding hands and suchlike. Revolting moony expression of young blot´s face continues to hunt my dreams. Not nice.
Shall have to issue nolle prosequi re: young chaps love.
THURSDAY
Changed my mind re: young chaps love after to considerable surprise of self saw Tuppy kissing a raccoon in a rose garden. What is the world coming to. Do not think Angela´s heart in danger of breakage as the young hound did not seem to enjoy tender pash.
At all.
Also, plan in tatters as idiot nephew got bunged into chokey. Again.
FRIDAY
Thank heavens, Jeeves is here, head bulging out at the back and eyes shining with intelligence. At my plaintive cries for immediate action he raised an eyebrow. Well, almost.
Have asked Anatole for three hefty fish courses for dinner.
SATURDAY
Tom coughed up. Angela and Tuppy buried the hatchet. Blot disfiguring countryside again. Jeeves a genius!
SUNDAY
Drat and curses! Am paying the price for my sins as grounds of Brinkley seem infested with tender passions once again. Even Seppings behaves strangely, skulking furtively around the kitchens. Do not even want to know what that is about.
The raccoon came back last night and is lurking behind bushes with hope in his eyes.
Should probably warn Tuppy.
On the other hand, will not. Self sorely in need of a few hearty laughs after all this. Am going to dig up the old field glass and send the young hound to the gardens under false pretext.
Will love to see a proper chase again!
Fromstoryfan
Secret diary of one S. Cheesewright
Monday: The infernal blighter B. Wooster has stolen my Florence for the last time. I intend to get so even with him Jeeves will need to peel him from the pavement with a fish slice.
Tuesday: Florence has told me to go boil my head. She got that expression from that blighter Wooster.
Wednesday: Went to see Wooster. Not home. Jeeves certainly is a toffee-nosed prick.
Thursday: Went back to find Wooster. Jeeves said (lied, to my way of thinking) that Wooster went to France. France my arse.
Friday: Went back to Wooster's flat. Wooster still hiding, the little cretin. Had tea with Jeeves.
Saturday: Went back to flat. Jeeves answered door in shirtsleeves. Was glad Wooster had staggered off to France.
Sunday: Begged Jeeves to marry me.
From the secret diary of one Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps
Monday: Went to Drones for lunch and ran into Bertie. I know we're old pals but he's such an odd little chap. Well, not little.
Tuesday: Keep wondering about Bertie. No idea why. But his eyes are quite blue. Never noticed that before.
Wednesday: Went to Bertie's flat, just to say hello. Had him play me a song on the piano. I sat behind him and watched. Jeeves glared at me for some reason.
Thursday: I'm afraid of Jeeves.
Friday: Fuck Jeeves. Went to Bertie's flat and asked Bertie if I could smoke. He said yes and left. Sat and smoked alone.
Saturday: Returned to flat to find Jeeves out, Bertie in. Literally.
Sunday: Got drunk and staggered over to Bertie's flat to ask what the hell they were up to. Woke up in Hyde Park at 2 a.m. wearing nothing but pin-striped trousers.
Monday: Have decided it's best not to have a diary.
The secret diary of Cyril Bassington-Bassington
Monday: Agatha Worplesdon is the worst kind of bitch, forcing me back to England that way. And Bertie is a spineless ponce.
Tuesday: Drove back to London with Bertie and Jeeves. I tried to carry on witty and gay conversation but Jeeves was all pipped and didn't respond. Rude bitch.
Wednesday: Invited myself to stay with Bertie just so I could observe Jeeves's reaction. Ooh, he's so cute when he's mad!
Thursday: Heard noises at night and didn't sleep very well. Was dreaming of cricket bats for some reason.
Friday: Heard those noises again last night. Will stay up tonight to investigate. It can't be what I think it is.
Saturday: It is! It is! I peeked into Bertie's room and you'll never guess what I saw! Come on, guess! Oh, I must remember that you're just a sheet of paper.
Sunday: I forgot to tell you about what I saw! Bertie and Jeeves were frolicking about in the most delicious way. They didn't see me though. I like watching.
Monday: Find myself in a horrible jam and must write with pencil between teeth. Am currently tied to Bertie's bed. Jeeves won't let me go until I promise not to tell.
Tuesday: Find I like being tied up. Who'd have guessed?
Wednesday: Bertie finally got sick of seeing me all spread out on his bed so he untied me. I supposed he'd rather see that bitch Jeeves all tied up to the headboard and footboard without a stitch covering that magnificent...
Thursday: Was told to go home and be a good boy. Won't do it.
Friday: Tried to go back to Bertie's. Found a note saying they'd taken off to dance in France. Shall follow them. Where's France?
Saturday: I'm quite sick of keeping a diary. It just slows me down. Shall quit. Maybe.
Sunday: I just keep droning on. Drone. Get it. Bitch.
Monday: Oh who cares about Monday? It's just another day in my long miserable life.
I love acting.
The diary of R. Jeeves
Monday: Mr. Wooster declared his intention to shop in a questionable district of the city. I discovered urgent matters to attend to in the flat so could not accompany him.
Tuesday: Mr. Wooster revealed his purchases which, I was dismayed to discover, included a pirate hat. As I cannot speak or write in phrases, I will simply say the article is loathsome.
Wednesday: Mr. Wooster wore the pirate hat most of the day. It was fortunate for his reputation that he decided to remain at home. However, this did strain our relationship as I cannot look at That Hat without wanting to remove it from his head none too gently.
Thursday: I discovered Mr. Wooster's aimless doodling on the telephone pad. He consistently scribbled the letters MXDP. I do not know the meaning of this acronym.
Friday: I discovered more scribblings pertaining to the mysterious letters. "My eXtraordinary Delicious Paragon."
Saturday: Mr. Wooster and I have come to a very satisfying compromise concerning That Hat.
Sunday: I have urged Mr. Wooster to plan additional shopping expeditions.
The private diary of Lady Agatha Worplesdon
Monday: I have a great many things to do, but the first is to purchase a lock for this diary. There is one in the stationer's shop that has a sharp point that would pierce the hand of anyone foolish enough to try to read this.
Exercise: Consumed three broken bottles. Delectable.
Tuesday: Am trying again to take Bertie in hand. I know there is something going on between himself and that Jeeves but I don't quite know what it is. Believe you me, when I find out I will have that Jeeves imprisoned for the rest of his life. Then I will find a woman, suitable or otherwise, to marry Bertie. Dahlia tells me to leave Bertie alone, but she's too soft on him. Far too soft. And she allows them to stay together in her home. Foolishness.
Took exercise today: Pulled the wings off several flies. Am invigorated
Wednesday: My favorite dress appears to be snug. Will sack the laundress for shrinking it.
Took more exercise: Swung a poker at Watkyn Bassett. Miserable little worm.
Thursday: Claude and Euastace are a fright and a never-ending source of irritation. I should think there are several girls available to take them in hand. Perhaps I could try that club I overheard the footmen talking about. A Madam Hooch runs it.
Took even more exercise: Squashed a spider half to death and watched it try to get away.
Friday: My teeth needed a good filing so got that out of the way early. Do not understand how my maid always finds urgent chores elsewhere when I begin this procedure. I'd sack her but I've been blackmailing her for years and it is such fun.
Took the most exercise I've ever taken: I had Purvis in one of the guest rooms. Took a lot of doing but I managed it.
thirstyrobot
The Very Secret Diary of Roderick Spode
KEEP OUT!
TOP SECRET!
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS!
5th August
Addressed adoring crowd in Hyde Park on subj. of reappropriating Lancashire for beetroot farming. Forced to reject flabby-kneed young applicant. Still not Dictat Prime Minister.
10th August
Milksop four-eyed newt fancier Fink-Nottle panting after little Madeline. Sir Watkyn doing nothing to prevent!!!! So angry shredded entire bolt of fine silk with bare hands. Phoned Mrs Bendicott to say brassieres will be another week.
13th August
DISASTER! Blast Wooster, the bag-snatching fish-faced wastrel! Blast him, blast him! Knows all about Eulalie, he says! Fink-Nottle gloating. Chased him with pitchfork anyway. Still not Prime Minister.
14th August
Hurrah! Madeline come to senses and given Fink-Nottle the boot. Damn and blast! Madeline engaged to that dolt Wooster! Preferred Fink-Nottle.
16th August
FINK-NOTTLE NOT FIT TO WIPE HER DAINTY SLIPPERS!!!!
18th August
Oh, Madeline, if I could cast aside my destiny and be yours! But no. No. I must persevere, for the good of all. Had to order new black shorts from tailor's. Possibly Fink-Nottle right about my dining habits.
25th August
WOOSTER!!!!!!!!
The Secret Diary of Bingo Little
Monday
Oh, Mabel! The name is like the sighs of angels! Her eyes! Her laughter! The graceful way she sets down a teacup! The care and beauty in every gesture!
Tuesday
I don't know what all the fuss is about this tie. They must be jealous not to have tokens of affection from such a creature as she.
Wednesday
What on earth is Jeeves doing with a copy of Only a Factory Girl? He must want someone to take him away from all this. Perhaps is secretly son of Austrian prince.
Thursday
The things we do for love! Some sort of special martyr's place in heaven for me for reading to elderly man about burning kisses.
Friday
What if Bertie really did write a romance novel? I think the hero would be a tall, thin chap with a lover's soul. Ringo, perhaps? Will make suggestion.
Saturday
I am last man in world to be enemy of love, but could have gone whole life without seeing my Uncle doing THAT.
Sunday
Well, Jeeves must be secretly something. Pipped at the post! Hmph. It must be that voice of his. Does a bit of a number on one's innards.
Monday
Bertie scoffed at idea of the love story of Ringo (gallant sort, tall, soulful) and Beatrice (blue-eyed carefree songbird type under thumb of dictatorial lady's maid). At least I think he scoffed. He choked on his brandy and started talking about the cricket.
blackletter
The Secret Diary of Biffy Biffen
(Blast! This is the fifth time I've left it on the Drone's bar. I don't think there's a chap in the place who hasn't read it.)
Monday
Woke up and went to the club. Got lost on the way and ended up in Chelsea. Had to take a cab back. Realised that I forgot wallet at home and couldn't pay cabbie. Lucky Bertie was there to foot the bill.
Tuesday
Forgot it was Mabel's birthday. Feel like a right poop. Plan to buy her something nice tomorrow to make up for it.
Wednesday
There was something I was supposed to do today, I'm sure of it, but I've plum forgot what it was.
Thursday
I must have gone out today, because I'm wearing my nice check and I only wear that for outings, but I can't for the life of me remember where I went or what I did there. When I told Mabel, she asked if I were sozzled. Answered negative.
Sunday
Good Lord, is it Sunday already? Where did the last two days go?
The Case Notes of Bertram W. Wooster
Monday
Jeeves is on holiday for the week. He left this morning to visit some second cousin in Three Crosses (or was it a third cousin in Two Crosses?) No matter. The fact is, Jeeves is gone and I’m missing him something fierce. I found myself stroking one of his bowler hats over tea. Something has to be done or I’ll end up looking like the Bassett menace’s ‘sad little puppy mournfully missing his master.’ Eeesh.
Tuesday
I decided to visit Brinkley Court. Aunt D for some reason didn’t greet me with the enthusiasm and good cheer one would expect a favourite aunt to give a favourite nephew. Quite the contrary, she rolled her eyes, muttered something about ‘Attila’ and told me that it may be safest for all involved if I just stayed in my room and never came out. She even offered to send meals up to me and leave them by the door so I could retrieve the food when the hall was empty to eliminate all contact with the outside world, just like that Sherlock Holmes story with the woman staying in the room who didn’t want anyone to know that she was indeed a woman. I told Aunt Dahlia that this was a v. kind offer, but unnecessary. As I left to settle in, she mentioned that Honoria Glossop was visiting. Already I fear for the safety of my back, for Honoria’s ‘friendly back-slapping’ is like the blow of an Amazonian warrior. Also in attendance are Pauline Stoker and Stilton Cheesewright. I fear for the safety of my spine, as well.
Wednesday
Jeeves, where are you! If ever the young master needed you, it is now. I got engaged to Honoria over the eggs and b at breakfast, and if that wasn’t bad enough, by luncheon I was engaged to Pauline as well. Now Stilton is threatening to break my spine in nine places, Honoria’s back-slapping is breaking it in another nine places and I fear I’m going to end up an inver...invert...no, that’s definitely not the word I’m looking for here, seeing as I’m already... Ah-ha, invertebrate! That’s the chap. Now some no-good blots on the landscape of humanity (Spode) have called me spineless in the past, but I’ve no wish to see for myself what a spineless existence is actually like. I need Jeeves. I only hope he receives my telegram in time. Was it Three Crosses or Two Crosses where he was staying? Blast, I never did have a head for numbers unless they were separated by a slash and had money riding on them.
Thursday
Jeeves, why aren’t you here yet? Your Bertram’s life is in peril! Honoria found out about Pauline and Pauline found out about Honoria and now they’re both furious as a pair of rabid badgers who woke up on the wrong side of the bed, stepped on a splinter before breakfast was laid out, and staggered to the table only to discover that the toast was burnt and the eggs rubbery. Stilton still wants to break my spine, for ‘hurting dear Pauline’s feelings’ he says. In twelve places.
Friday
At last, Jeeves is here and I am assured that everything is going to be all right. Sadly, he didn’t arrive until evening, and so was able to do little more than learn the lay of the land, so to speak. Still, he says that he has ideas forming in that fish-fed brain of his and swears that he’ll have it all straightened out before the weekend is over. I was v. grateful for the glimmer of hope he offered. I showed Jeeves how grateful. I let him have his way with my black-and-white shoes. He said he’d already taken it upon himself to give them to the footman.
Saturday
I think Jeeves has lost his touch, I really think he has. I don’t see what good it’s going to do to keep Honoria and Pauline locked in a room together. Not that I don’t appreciate the few hours reprieve, mind you, but it’s a temporary solution at best, and once they’re freed from their confinement, they’ll be more angry than ever and will have had the whole night alone in which to scheme and plot and stoke their rage against yours truly. I will confess, though, that sending Stilton out to rescue that poor girl whose two-seater broke down was a stroke of genius.
Post Scriptum: Found out that said ‘poor girl’ is one Lady Uppingston who owed Jeeves a favour for some peccadillo he helped her get out of many years ago. Stilton now swears he’s going to marry her and has taken to following her everywhere. Jeeves tells me that Lady Uppingston already has a fiancé—Major Pippenstalk, military hero, expert sharpshooter, and v. protective of Lady Uppingston.
Sunday
I never should have doubted Jeeves! When the lock was broken this morning and Honoria and Pauline emerged, rather than hissing and spitting as I expected, they were full of giggles and blushes, like two dainty maidens for whom wrath was a distant and inconceivable concept. They even thanked me if you can believe it. I can’t imagine what for. Anyway, the two no longer have any designs to marry me, nor to wreak vengeance for my entirely accidental and unwanted attempt at bigamy. They have declared that they are going to travel the Continent together and expect to be gone for at least a year.
Jeeves and I are returning to London immediately. I will need to offer Jeeves a suitable reward for cutting his holiday short to pull the young master from the soup. I have decided that I will let him have his way with my purple ascot. When I told him this, he nodded solemnly and said that it would fit over my mouth v. nicely—better than a tie.
Note to self: Buy more ascots.
janeturenne
The Secret Diary of Seppings
Mon.
Mr. Wooster, Mr. Glossop, Mr. Fink-Nottle, Miss Bassett and Miss Byng all arrived this afternoon. Lord, give me strength for the tribulations that will surely follow.
Tue.
Mr. Fink-Nottle's engagement to Miss Bassett called off. Mr. Glossop's engagement to Miss Travers called off. Miss Byng now engaged to the both of the gentlemen at once. Mr. Wooster now engaged to both of the ladies at once. Must endeavour, through subtle hints, to ensure that the inevitable explosion does not occur anywhere near the china room.
Wed.
Monsieur Anatole saved a plate of his timbale de ris de veau Tolousiaine (heavenly) for me tonight, and sat with me while I ate it. Sometimes, the way he looks at me... but no. He is French, after all.
Thur.
Mr. Glossop and Mr. Fink-Nottle exchanged harsh words over Miss Byng in the gardens this afternoon. Ended with the both of them in the pond, and with Miss Byng declaring them both a pair of bunglers and departing, claiming that even Mr. Pinker, who had not stolen a policeman's helmet for her in over a fortnight, was preferable. Must have linens aired out promptly, else they will smell of the dog Bartholomew for months.
Fri.
Saw Jeeves engaged in quiet conference with Mr. Glossop this morning. Half-an-hour later, he complimented Miss Travers' new hat. Glossop-Travers engagement back on.
Sat.
Saw Jeeves engaged in quiet conference with Mr. Fink-Nottle this afternoon. After dinner, Mr. Fink-Nottle read the company a poem about the sweet tragic loveliness of nature and romance. Supposedly of his own composing, but I have serious doubts, as did not contain the word "newt" even once. Fink-Nottle-Bassett engagement back on.
Sun.
Saw Jeeves engaged in very different sort of quiet conference with Mr. Wooster in the rose garden at dusk. Made me feel rather young again. Perhaps I will ask Monsieur Anatole to join me for a stroll tomorrow night...
hephaistia
Secret diary of one Rosie M. Banks
Monday: Went for a walk with Richard, and met that friend of his, the tall, blue eyed one, Bertie Wooster. I must say, he's got a great valet. Such a romantic voice!
Wednesday: Decided to invite Bertie for dinner. Told him to bring Jeeves too. Richard says he's clever enough to be the Prime minister. (wonder if the Prime minister is really clever.) Must simply get to see more of him. There's something about them together.......
Thursday: They came for dinner. Now I'm sure there's something going on between them. The way Bertie gazes at Jeeves with those blue eyes of his..... Speaking of his blue eyes, wonder if Richard ever fell for him too.
Saturday: Have given the matter much thought. Would be perfect for a novel, although impossible to write one called 'Only a Valet'. (Fear that would not be very well received.) Such a perfect couple!
Sunday: Maybe if I make Jeeves a maid..... and call him Regina or something......
triedunture
From the Secret Diary of Doorman Jarvis
Monday: A fiver when 6A came home quite sozzled out of his mind; bunged him up the stairs accordingly. Two quid an hour later from the valet as well.
Tuesday: Not a pence from the dragon in the furs that comes to see 6A once a month or so.
Wednesday: A quid from 3B for delivering a package, a quid from 7D for minding the dog, and another fiver from 6A to make up for the dragonbreath I endured yesterday.
Thursday: A tenner from 6A's valet. Looking the other way when gentlemen come home in the clothes they left in last night? Now that's a way to make a living, if you ask me.
Friday: A quid from 6C, who asked me to investigate the loud noises from 6A. Took money, did not disturb. Perhaps if 6C had tipped at Christmas, I'd've lifted a finger.
Saturday: Two tenners, one each from 6A and the valet on separate occasions. Instructed not to mention when the two do not leave flat all day. Well, 'tis no business of mine anyway.
Sunday: An additional quid from the valet in 6A to imply to 6C that the noises might be mice. Done and done. Have a man from the extermination agency coming tomorrow.
random_nexus
Mr. Coneybear's Work Diary
Monday - Those two gents from England are back! Wife loves to hear about them. Looking good for tips now. Got to try & rec. Mr. W have a look at those suede numbers in the shop around the corner. Would smoke with those purple socks.
Tuesday - Mr. J tipped a sawbuck for me to take the suede numbers, two prs paisley socks, a beautiful hat (poor Mr. W), and a pink-striped purple tie. Jackpot! Wife v. happy w/ new clothes. V. HAPPY! Who needs sleep to run an elevator, right?
Wednesday - Mr. W out late this am, tipped me a five. Do I like these fellas! Mr. J out & back twice, shopping. Dollar 1st time, looked like groceries. Fiver 2nd time, looked like some clothing boxes from nice place uptown, and sm. package wrapped in plain brown paper sticking out of coat pocket - huh? Mr. W back late afternoon, didn't smell like it, but seemed sauced to the gills. Muttering about 'courage' and 'men of iron will' and 'Wooster ancestors' and asked me if I thought he was good looking. Of course, said yes, but he didn't put the grab on me (not like that nasty old geezer on the 3rd floor! No tips big enough, brother!). Tipped me another sawbuck, but swear he looked like he was going to his own hanging! Took a chance and patted him on the back, told him he'd be fine. What a smile on that one! Wonder what's doing?
Thursday - Slow day. Didn't see the two Eng. gents. All day.
Friday - This am, Manager said Eng. gents' neighbors complaining about odd noises. Said I didn't hear nothing--not sure what I DID hear on way down at end of shift, but with those tips? I didn't hear nothing. Mr. W. out once in pm, smiling like his face'd split! Shook my hand & gave me a 20! Does he even know what money's worth? Never saw Mr. J at all.
Saturday - Mr. J out early, just after my shift started. HE almost smiled (fella never smiles), and HE tipped me a sawbuck, came back with more groceries. Mr. W out mid aft. tipped me a sawbuck BOTH WAYS! Back with some flowers & champagne? Big ol' bottle. Haven't seen any gals around this time. Really wonder what's doing! Liked his bright green tie, hope Mr. J hates it. Would look a treat with my blue suit.
Sunday - Didn't see Mr. W or Mr. J all day again. Shucks. Would've liked that tie. Going to be a treat telling the wife what I didn't hear early this am and after lunch. AND on the way down late pm, too. Such a shame, them two could've made a couple gals pretty happy, but I didn't hear nothing. Not many fellas like that in the world, and that's a fact.
waqaychay
The secret diary of Rocky Todd
Monday: I couldn't sleep today for some reason. Got up at the crack of 2pm. Must go to bed early to make up for the lack. I should get ready now. Six pm will be here soon.
Oh! Sleep!
Why do you forsake me?
Must I be reduced
To counting sheep?
Tuesday: Received letter from Bertie that was posted last week. He and Jeeves will be here tomorrow. I guess they need some peace and quiet after being in the city for so long. I don't know how they stood it for as long as they did. New York is a horrible place. I'll need to sort out the guest room.
Saturday: Water! I must have water! And food! These guys are trying to kill me. They're animals! Peace and quiet, my ass! I've never heard such a racket! And they never did use the guest room, even after I got it all ready for them.
Continuous screams of ecstasy
perpetual shouts of joy
but come on, fellas,
a man has to refuel every now and then. I mean, Jesus.
Sunday: Well, the guest room was finally slept in, though it was only because my own bed couldn't take the strain anymore. Jeeves said something about using the broken pieces for kindling. The boys leave for New York again tomorrow. You know, it's been far too long since I've visited the city. It's really not that bad with the right company....
To see the diaries on their original page: The diaries
mxdp , a brilliant artist who invited us to write diary entries for any and all Jooster characters. Her LJ was inundated and you'll find the results behind the cut, as well as a link to her original page. Those who participated have all the diaries they wrote listed directly after their names. If I missed a diary you wrote, please tell me and I'll be happy to add it.who_is_smallGussie Fink-Nottle
MONDAY
Still desp. in love with Madeline. Unable to speak to Goddess.
Maybe to introduce Miracles of Nature? Able to speak fluently on subj.
TUESDAY
Showed Madeline aquatic larvae of newt.
Did not seem v. impressed though. Maybe if I elaborate?
WEDNESDAY
Luckily found Madeline in the garden. Seemed glad to see me.
Decided to hasten with action as not wanting to lose my nerves to love shivers again. Introduced larvae´s ability to regenerate eyes, spinal cords, intestines & lower & upper jaws. V. interesting, as cells at the site of the injury reproduce rapidly.
Sadly, Madeline v. cold and hastened to the house as not to catch sniffles.
Bally weather!!!
THURSDAY
Situation v. serious. Madeline seems to shy from my comp. Have not the foggiest why. Oh, Women!!! Why are you not more like Newts??!
Spode stomping around like black menace with hairy knees.
FRIDAY
Situation v., v. serious indeed. Inquiries via domestic stuff re: Madeline´s hobbies revealed fondness for fluffy bunnies. Now we are getting somewhere!!
Spode sitch. continues to rattle spirits.
SATURDAY
Disaster. Am at loss, complete desp. wrecking my soul. Sun shining merrily. Wish it would sod off. My eyes have no use for light.
Managed to corner Madeline by the pond. Sadly, did not manage to catch fluffy bunny as said f. b. v., v. fast buggers. But!! Have much better substitute.
Showed Madeline common garter snake with lovely yellow stripes. V. interesting, as toxin resistant garter snakes the only known animals able to eat a T. granulosa newt and survive. Dear girl fainted from happiness.
Was just trying to address sitch re: reviving tender goddess & not losing garter snake, when was brutishly attacked by mad Spode who wildly emerged from shrubbery.
Was thrown out of house.
Madeline locked in.
Glasses broken.
Have a desperate Plan.
SUNDAY
Desperate P. failed as sadly Ultimate Gift - firebelly newt with generous supply of chopped-up blood worms - locked with Madeline in house. Am baffled. At a loss.
Made a list of Credits and Debits, as Bertie swears to it. Do not know so much about that as Bertie a fat-headed dolt of first order. Am frantic though.
Debit: Yesterday´s hassle with gorilla-sized dictator disastrous as self chucked to pond.
Credit: Cold splash helped revive Madeline miraculously.
Debit: Madeline immediately attacked by nervous garter snake who has had enough.
Credit: Wide-eyed Madeline v., v. pretty.
Debit: And you saw her much what with glasses being broken.
Credit: Pathetic sight possibly touched girlish heart with sympathy?
Debit: Grimly suspect my attractiveness might have sustained a considerable leak. Not that there was much of it to begin with. Am desolate. Love Madeline feverishly. Spode disgustingly triumphant.
Credit: …
Debit: Bertie is a chump. He and his idiotic lists. What does he know about women.
Credit: Well he was engages sixty-four times since last August. You might learn something after all.
Debit: Not married though.
Credit: But that was due to fiendishly clever machinations of Jeeves. Now HERE is the chap to help me!!
TO LONDON!!!
V. V. secret diary of McIntosh the Dog
MONDAY
Got stuck again with that chump Wooster as Goddess on vacation. At least he smells nice.
TUESDAY
Locked in Iron Battle of Wills with the valet as per usual. Dark tensions ensue as valet embarrassed when self piddles in public places. Well what else are they for. I ask you.
Valet needs to sort out his priorities pronto.
WEDNESDAY
Not much to report. Eau de Wooster smelling nice, continues to sooth my frazzled nerves.
Piddled on carpet to gain advantage in BoW.
THURSDAY
Day brought sad tidings as vengenful valet withheld dinner re: carpet. I will show him.
FRIDAY
Had a great singing session with Wooster who appreciates obvious talents of self. Am fond of Wooster, though he is such chump.
Valet too close to Wooster for my liking.
BoW currently at a tie.
SATURDAY
Growl at valet every time said v. wraps his loathsome self around my friend Wooster. How the man can abide him, I have not the slightest idea. He may have read Spinoza, but so have I.
Won the BoW as bite on strategic place v., v. effective when said place not sheltered by clothing. Také this, valet´s gluteal muscles. Muahaha.
SUNDAY
All day suffering strongly re: locked in closet. Ate bright emerald paisley tie for vengeance. That will show you, valet!
Foodie diary of Mr. Hildebrand "Tuppy" Glossop - short excerpts
MONDAY
Breakfast: cereal w/milk, porridge, poached eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, kippers, beans, black pudding, cheese, French toast w. marmalade. Light meal, but ascetic restrain necessary as tennis practice afoot. Angela has been sarcastic lately.
Made up for the light fare at lunch, though.
Angela´s new hat makes her look like raccoon peering from under flowerpot. Claims is not so. Miffed with yours truly.
Women are irrational.
TUESDAY
Lunch:
Mousse de Saumon et Câpres
Filet mignon aux Oignons
Gratin dauphinois
Plateau de fromages et salade verte
Crème caramel
Angela still miffed. Will not budge. Have my pride. Insist she looks like raccoon in hat.
Dinner delicious.
WEDNESDAY
Bertie arrived in twoseater to steal something for Aunt D. again. I do not know how he puts up with it.
Angela still miffed.
Sylphides à la crême d'écrevissess et Mousse au Chocolat made me feel a little better re: sitch. Second helping of dessert as chocolate cure for broken heart. Mmmm.
THURSDAY
Dinner:
Salade d'Endives, Noix et Roquefort
Gratinée de Coquilles St Jacques
Onglet à l'Echalotte - Fondue de Poireaux
Plateau de fromages et salade verte
Clafoutis aux Abricots
Bombe Nero
Need I say more?!
Bertie in prison. I do not know how he puts up with it.
Angela still miffed.
Thought I saw her in garden this evening but when jumped up at her from bushes, quickly realised was kissing a v. surprised raccoon. Luckily no one saw.
FRIDAY
Am looking forward to lunch.
Jeeves arrived from holiday. About time, I´d say. Bertie walking around house like pale ghost until arrested. A. Dahlia´s scheme ghastly even for her usual frightful standard.
Angela still miffed. Attempts re: reconciliation failed dismally. Little blister called me fatto. AM NOT FAT!!!
SATURDAY
Bertie freed from prison. Angela sitch. solved most satisfactorily. Jeeves marvel with brain size of Worcestershire.
Promised Angela to dinner lightly as olive branch must be offered. Jeeves adamant about this. Smell of steak and kidney pie torturing yours truly in harrowing fashion.
SUNDAY
Last night´s raid of larder yielded most satisfactory results.
Crept around Bertie´s room. Heard Jeeves bossing him about undressing. I know the man is a genius, but limits are limits in my op. Bertie did not seem to mind though. Spineless weakling.
When sneaking back, moaning noises heard from room. Bertie clearly suffers, yet does not apply firm hand re: manservant! I do not know how he puts up with it.
Secret Diary of Dahlia Travers Mirror sister diary to that of Tuppy Glossop.
MONDAY
Dear diary,
if I ever again come up with such an idiotic plan as to run a weekly newspaper for women, be a dear and give me a paper cut.
Tom blasted Portarlington bally Travers plain refused to cough up another five hundred for Milady's Boudoir. Dough sorely needed. Rag in doldrums.
Angela´s new hat caused a rift between her and young fathead Glossop. Again. Wonder why she keeps buying them as every new hat equals broken engagement. Romantic child seems to need her adrenaline. Well, I miss the hunting days as well. How amazing was the rush of chase!
Need address sitch. re: missing wealth. Possibly gambling?
TUESDAY
Summoned Bertie with view of arranging trifling errand in shape of minor burglary in Tom´s loot. When returning lost treasure, the poor dear is sure to lavish the goods as overcome with gratitude. To ensure good tidings, Bertie could shoot himself in a foot as apprehending imaginary criminal.
What a wonderful idea!
WEDNESDAY
Loony nephew glad to seek shelter at Brinkley as Agatha having the rabies again. Jeeves playing shrimping pirate and will arrive on Friday. Ah, well. V., v. happy to see the young blot, especially re: trifling errand. Have prepared the gun.
On the other hand, caution is called for. When the two get here, I cannot make a careless step lest I fall over them engaging in infatuated shenanigans. Holding hands and suchlike. Revolting moony expression of young blot´s face continues to hunt my dreams. Not nice.
Shall have to issue nolle prosequi re: young chaps love.
THURSDAY
Changed my mind re: young chaps love after to considerable surprise of self saw Tuppy kissing a raccoon in a rose garden. What is the world coming to. Do not think Angela´s heart in danger of breakage as the young hound did not seem to enjoy tender pash.
At all.
Also, plan in tatters as idiot nephew got bunged into chokey. Again.
FRIDAY
Thank heavens, Jeeves is here, head bulging out at the back and eyes shining with intelligence. At my plaintive cries for immediate action he raised an eyebrow. Well, almost.
Have asked Anatole for three hefty fish courses for dinner.
SATURDAY
Tom coughed up. Angela and Tuppy buried the hatchet. Blot disfiguring countryside again. Jeeves a genius!
SUNDAY
Drat and curses! Am paying the price for my sins as grounds of Brinkley seem infested with tender passions once again. Even Seppings behaves strangely, skulking furtively around the kitchens. Do not even want to know what that is about.
The raccoon came back last night and is lurking behind bushes with hope in his eyes.
Should probably warn Tuppy.
On the other hand, will not. Self sorely in need of a few hearty laughs after all this. Am going to dig up the old field glass and send the young hound to the gardens under false pretext.
Will love to see a proper chase again!
From
storyfanSecret diary of one S. Cheesewright
Monday: The infernal blighter B. Wooster has stolen my Florence for the last time. I intend to get so even with him Jeeves will need to peel him from the pavement with a fish slice.
Tuesday: Florence has told me to go boil my head. She got that expression from that blighter Wooster.
Wednesday: Went to see Wooster. Not home. Jeeves certainly is a toffee-nosed prick.
Thursday: Went back to find Wooster. Jeeves said (lied, to my way of thinking) that Wooster went to France. France my arse.
Friday: Went back to Wooster's flat. Wooster still hiding, the little cretin. Had tea with Jeeves.
Saturday: Went back to flat. Jeeves answered door in shirtsleeves. Was glad Wooster had staggered off to France.
Sunday: Begged Jeeves to marry me.
From the secret diary of one Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps
Monday: Went to Drones for lunch and ran into Bertie. I know we're old pals but he's such an odd little chap. Well, not little.
Tuesday: Keep wondering about Bertie. No idea why. But his eyes are quite blue. Never noticed that before.
Wednesday: Went to Bertie's flat, just to say hello. Had him play me a song on the piano. I sat behind him and watched. Jeeves glared at me for some reason.
Thursday: I'm afraid of Jeeves.
Friday: Fuck Jeeves. Went to Bertie's flat and asked Bertie if I could smoke. He said yes and left. Sat and smoked alone.
Saturday: Returned to flat to find Jeeves out, Bertie in. Literally.
Sunday: Got drunk and staggered over to Bertie's flat to ask what the hell they were up to. Woke up in Hyde Park at 2 a.m. wearing nothing but pin-striped trousers.
Monday: Have decided it's best not to have a diary.
The secret diary of Cyril Bassington-Bassington
Monday: Agatha Worplesdon is the worst kind of bitch, forcing me back to England that way. And Bertie is a spineless ponce.
Tuesday: Drove back to London with Bertie and Jeeves. I tried to carry on witty and gay conversation but Jeeves was all pipped and didn't respond. Rude bitch.
Wednesday: Invited myself to stay with Bertie just so I could observe Jeeves's reaction. Ooh, he's so cute when he's mad!
Thursday: Heard noises at night and didn't sleep very well. Was dreaming of cricket bats for some reason.
Friday: Heard those noises again last night. Will stay up tonight to investigate. It can't be what I think it is.
Saturday: It is! It is! I peeked into Bertie's room and you'll never guess what I saw! Come on, guess! Oh, I must remember that you're just a sheet of paper.
Sunday: I forgot to tell you about what I saw! Bertie and Jeeves were frolicking about in the most delicious way. They didn't see me though. I like watching.
Monday: Find myself in a horrible jam and must write with pencil between teeth. Am currently tied to Bertie's bed. Jeeves won't let me go until I promise not to tell.
Tuesday: Find I like being tied up. Who'd have guessed?
Wednesday: Bertie finally got sick of seeing me all spread out on his bed so he untied me. I supposed he'd rather see that bitch Jeeves all tied up to the headboard and footboard without a stitch covering that magnificent...
Thursday: Was told to go home and be a good boy. Won't do it.
Friday: Tried to go back to Bertie's. Found a note saying they'd taken off to dance in France. Shall follow them. Where's France?
Saturday: I'm quite sick of keeping a diary. It just slows me down. Shall quit. Maybe.
Sunday: I just keep droning on. Drone. Get it. Bitch.
Monday: Oh who cares about Monday? It's just another day in my long miserable life.
I love acting.
The diary of R. Jeeves
Monday: Mr. Wooster declared his intention to shop in a questionable district of the city. I discovered urgent matters to attend to in the flat so could not accompany him.
Tuesday: Mr. Wooster revealed his purchases which, I was dismayed to discover, included a pirate hat. As I cannot speak or write in phrases, I will simply say the article is loathsome.
Wednesday: Mr. Wooster wore the pirate hat most of the day. It was fortunate for his reputation that he decided to remain at home. However, this did strain our relationship as I cannot look at That Hat without wanting to remove it from his head none too gently.
Thursday: I discovered Mr. Wooster's aimless doodling on the telephone pad. He consistently scribbled the letters MXDP. I do not know the meaning of this acronym.
Friday: I discovered more scribblings pertaining to the mysterious letters. "My eXtraordinary Delicious Paragon."
Saturday: Mr. Wooster and I have come to a very satisfying compromise concerning That Hat.
Sunday: I have urged Mr. Wooster to plan additional shopping expeditions.
The private diary of Lady Agatha Worplesdon
Monday: I have a great many things to do, but the first is to purchase a lock for this diary. There is one in the stationer's shop that has a sharp point that would pierce the hand of anyone foolish enough to try to read this.
Exercise: Consumed three broken bottles. Delectable.
Tuesday: Am trying again to take Bertie in hand. I know there is something going on between himself and that Jeeves but I don't quite know what it is. Believe you me, when I find out I will have that Jeeves imprisoned for the rest of his life. Then I will find a woman, suitable or otherwise, to marry Bertie. Dahlia tells me to leave Bertie alone, but she's too soft on him. Far too soft. And she allows them to stay together in her home. Foolishness.
Took exercise today: Pulled the wings off several flies. Am invigorated
Wednesday: My favorite dress appears to be snug. Will sack the laundress for shrinking it.
Took more exercise: Swung a poker at Watkyn Bassett. Miserable little worm.
Thursday: Claude and Euastace are a fright and a never-ending source of irritation. I should think there are several girls available to take them in hand. Perhaps I could try that club I overheard the footmen talking about. A Madam Hooch runs it.
Took even more exercise: Squashed a spider half to death and watched it try to get away.
Friday: My teeth needed a good filing so got that out of the way early. Do not understand how my maid always finds urgent chores elsewhere when I begin this procedure. I'd sack her but I've been blackmailing her for years and it is such fun.
Took the most exercise I've ever taken: I had Purvis in one of the guest rooms. Took a lot of doing but I managed it.
thirstyrobotThe Very Secret Diary of Roderick Spode
KEEP OUT!
TOP SECRET!
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS!
5th August
Addressed adoring crowd in Hyde Park on subj. of reappropriating Lancashire for beetroot farming. Forced to reject flabby-kneed young applicant. Still not Dictat Prime Minister.
10th August
Milksop four-eyed newt fancier Fink-Nottle panting after little Madeline. Sir Watkyn doing nothing to prevent!!!! So angry shredded entire bolt of fine silk with bare hands. Phoned Mrs Bendicott to say brassieres will be another week.
13th August
DISASTER! Blast Wooster, the bag-snatching fish-faced wastrel! Blast him, blast him! Knows all about Eulalie, he says! Fink-Nottle gloating. Chased him with pitchfork anyway. Still not Prime Minister.
14th August
Hurrah! Madeline come to senses and given Fink-Nottle the boot. Damn and blast! Madeline engaged to that dolt Wooster! Preferred Fink-Nottle.
16th August
FINK-NOTTLE NOT FIT TO WIPE HER DAINTY SLIPPERS!!!!
18th August
Oh, Madeline, if I could cast aside my destiny and be yours! But no. No. I must persevere, for the good of all. Had to order new black shorts from tailor's. Possibly Fink-Nottle right about my dining habits.
25th August
WOOSTER!!!!!!!!
The Secret Diary of Bingo Little
Monday
Oh, Mabel! The name is like the sighs of angels! Her eyes! Her laughter! The graceful way she sets down a teacup! The care and beauty in every gesture!
Tuesday
I don't know what all the fuss is about this tie. They must be jealous not to have tokens of affection from such a creature as she.
Wednesday
What on earth is Jeeves doing with a copy of Only a Factory Girl? He must want someone to take him away from all this. Perhaps is secretly son of Austrian prince.
Thursday
The things we do for love! Some sort of special martyr's place in heaven for me for reading to elderly man about burning kisses.
Friday
What if Bertie really did write a romance novel? I think the hero would be a tall, thin chap with a lover's soul. Ringo, perhaps? Will make suggestion.
Saturday
I am last man in world to be enemy of love, but could have gone whole life without seeing my Uncle doing THAT.
Sunday
Well, Jeeves must be secretly something. Pipped at the post! Hmph. It must be that voice of his. Does a bit of a number on one's innards.
Monday
Bertie scoffed at idea of the love story of Ringo (gallant sort, tall, soulful) and Beatrice (blue-eyed carefree songbird type under thumb of dictatorial lady's maid). At least I think he scoffed. He choked on his brandy and started talking about the cricket.
blackletterThe Secret Diary of Biffy Biffen
(Blast! This is the fifth time I've left it on the Drone's bar. I don't think there's a chap in the place who hasn't read it.)
Monday
Woke up and went to the club. Got lost on the way and ended up in Chelsea. Had to take a cab back. Realised that I forgot wallet at home and couldn't pay cabbie. Lucky Bertie was there to foot the bill.
Tuesday
Forgot it was Mabel's birthday. Feel like a right poop. Plan to buy her something nice tomorrow to make up for it.
Wednesday
There was something I was supposed to do today, I'm sure of it, but I've plum forgot what it was.
Thursday
I must have gone out today, because I'm wearing my nice check and I only wear that for outings, but I can't for the life of me remember where I went or what I did there. When I told Mabel, she asked if I were sozzled. Answered negative.
Sunday
Good Lord, is it Sunday already? Where did the last two days go?
The Case Notes of Bertram W. Wooster
Monday
Jeeves is on holiday for the week. He left this morning to visit some second cousin in Three Crosses (or was it a third cousin in Two Crosses?) No matter. The fact is, Jeeves is gone and I’m missing him something fierce. I found myself stroking one of his bowler hats over tea. Something has to be done or I’ll end up looking like the Bassett menace’s ‘sad little puppy mournfully missing his master.’ Eeesh.
Tuesday
I decided to visit Brinkley Court. Aunt D for some reason didn’t greet me with the enthusiasm and good cheer one would expect a favourite aunt to give a favourite nephew. Quite the contrary, she rolled her eyes, muttered something about ‘Attila’ and told me that it may be safest for all involved if I just stayed in my room and never came out. She even offered to send meals up to me and leave them by the door so I could retrieve the food when the hall was empty to eliminate all contact with the outside world, just like that Sherlock Holmes story with the woman staying in the room who didn’t want anyone to know that she was indeed a woman. I told Aunt Dahlia that this was a v. kind offer, but unnecessary. As I left to settle in, she mentioned that Honoria Glossop was visiting. Already I fear for the safety of my back, for Honoria’s ‘friendly back-slapping’ is like the blow of an Amazonian warrior. Also in attendance are Pauline Stoker and Stilton Cheesewright. I fear for the safety of my spine, as well.
Wednesday
Jeeves, where are you! If ever the young master needed you, it is now. I got engaged to Honoria over the eggs and b at breakfast, and if that wasn’t bad enough, by luncheon I was engaged to Pauline as well. Now Stilton is threatening to break my spine in nine places, Honoria’s back-slapping is breaking it in another nine places and I fear I’m going to end up an inver...invert...no, that’s definitely not the word I’m looking for here, seeing as I’m already... Ah-ha, invertebrate! That’s the chap. Now some no-good blots on the landscape of humanity (Spode) have called me spineless in the past, but I’ve no wish to see for myself what a spineless existence is actually like. I need Jeeves. I only hope he receives my telegram in time. Was it Three Crosses or Two Crosses where he was staying? Blast, I never did have a head for numbers unless they were separated by a slash and had money riding on them.
Thursday
Jeeves, why aren’t you here yet? Your Bertram’s life is in peril! Honoria found out about Pauline and Pauline found out about Honoria and now they’re both furious as a pair of rabid badgers who woke up on the wrong side of the bed, stepped on a splinter before breakfast was laid out, and staggered to the table only to discover that the toast was burnt and the eggs rubbery. Stilton still wants to break my spine, for ‘hurting dear Pauline’s feelings’ he says. In twelve places.
Friday
At last, Jeeves is here and I am assured that everything is going to be all right. Sadly, he didn’t arrive until evening, and so was able to do little more than learn the lay of the land, so to speak. Still, he says that he has ideas forming in that fish-fed brain of his and swears that he’ll have it all straightened out before the weekend is over. I was v. grateful for the glimmer of hope he offered. I showed Jeeves how grateful. I let him have his way with my black-and-white shoes. He said he’d already taken it upon himself to give them to the footman.
Saturday
I think Jeeves has lost his touch, I really think he has. I don’t see what good it’s going to do to keep Honoria and Pauline locked in a room together. Not that I don’t appreciate the few hours reprieve, mind you, but it’s a temporary solution at best, and once they’re freed from their confinement, they’ll be more angry than ever and will have had the whole night alone in which to scheme and plot and stoke their rage against yours truly. I will confess, though, that sending Stilton out to rescue that poor girl whose two-seater broke down was a stroke of genius.
Post Scriptum: Found out that said ‘poor girl’ is one Lady Uppingston who owed Jeeves a favour for some peccadillo he helped her get out of many years ago. Stilton now swears he’s going to marry her and has taken to following her everywhere. Jeeves tells me that Lady Uppingston already has a fiancé—Major Pippenstalk, military hero, expert sharpshooter, and v. protective of Lady Uppingston.
Sunday
I never should have doubted Jeeves! When the lock was broken this morning and Honoria and Pauline emerged, rather than hissing and spitting as I expected, they were full of giggles and blushes, like two dainty maidens for whom wrath was a distant and inconceivable concept. They even thanked me if you can believe it. I can’t imagine what for. Anyway, the two no longer have any designs to marry me, nor to wreak vengeance for my entirely accidental and unwanted attempt at bigamy. They have declared that they are going to travel the Continent together and expect to be gone for at least a year.
Jeeves and I are returning to London immediately. I will need to offer Jeeves a suitable reward for cutting his holiday short to pull the young master from the soup. I have decided that I will let him have his way with my purple ascot. When I told him this, he nodded solemnly and said that it would fit over my mouth v. nicely—better than a tie.
Note to self: Buy more ascots.
janeturenneThe Secret Diary of Seppings
Mon.
Mr. Wooster, Mr. Glossop, Mr. Fink-Nottle, Miss Bassett and Miss Byng all arrived this afternoon. Lord, give me strength for the tribulations that will surely follow.
Tue.
Mr. Fink-Nottle's engagement to Miss Bassett called off. Mr. Glossop's engagement to Miss Travers called off. Miss Byng now engaged to the both of the gentlemen at once. Mr. Wooster now engaged to both of the ladies at once. Must endeavour, through subtle hints, to ensure that the inevitable explosion does not occur anywhere near the china room.
Wed.
Monsieur Anatole saved a plate of his timbale de ris de veau Tolousiaine (heavenly) for me tonight, and sat with me while I ate it. Sometimes, the way he looks at me... but no. He is French, after all.
Thur.
Mr. Glossop and Mr. Fink-Nottle exchanged harsh words over Miss Byng in the gardens this afternoon. Ended with the both of them in the pond, and with Miss Byng declaring them both a pair of bunglers and departing, claiming that even Mr. Pinker, who had not stolen a policeman's helmet for her in over a fortnight, was preferable. Must have linens aired out promptly, else they will smell of the dog Bartholomew for months.
Fri.
Saw Jeeves engaged in quiet conference with Mr. Glossop this morning. Half-an-hour later, he complimented Miss Travers' new hat. Glossop-Travers engagement back on.
Sat.
Saw Jeeves engaged in quiet conference with Mr. Fink-Nottle this afternoon. After dinner, Mr. Fink-Nottle read the company a poem about the sweet tragic loveliness of nature and romance. Supposedly of his own composing, but I have serious doubts, as did not contain the word "newt" even once. Fink-Nottle-Bassett engagement back on.
Sun.
Saw Jeeves engaged in very different sort of quiet conference with Mr. Wooster in the rose garden at dusk. Made me feel rather young again. Perhaps I will ask Monsieur Anatole to join me for a stroll tomorrow night...
hephaistiaSecret diary of one Rosie M. Banks
Monday: Went for a walk with Richard, and met that friend of his, the tall, blue eyed one, Bertie Wooster. I must say, he's got a great valet. Such a romantic voice!
Wednesday: Decided to invite Bertie for dinner. Told him to bring Jeeves too. Richard says he's clever enough to be the Prime minister. (wonder if the Prime minister is really clever.) Must simply get to see more of him. There's something about them together.......
Thursday: They came for dinner. Now I'm sure there's something going on between them. The way Bertie gazes at Jeeves with those blue eyes of his..... Speaking of his blue eyes, wonder if Richard ever fell for him too.
Saturday: Have given the matter much thought. Would be perfect for a novel, although impossible to write one called 'Only a Valet'. (Fear that would not be very well received.) Such a perfect couple!
Sunday: Maybe if I make Jeeves a maid..... and call him Regina or something......
trieduntureFrom the Secret Diary of Doorman Jarvis
Monday: A fiver when 6A came home quite sozzled out of his mind; bunged him up the stairs accordingly. Two quid an hour later from the valet as well.
Tuesday: Not a pence from the dragon in the furs that comes to see 6A once a month or so.
Wednesday: A quid from 3B for delivering a package, a quid from 7D for minding the dog, and another fiver from 6A to make up for the dragonbreath I endured yesterday.
Thursday: A tenner from 6A's valet. Looking the other way when gentlemen come home in the clothes they left in last night? Now that's a way to make a living, if you ask me.
Friday: A quid from 6C, who asked me to investigate the loud noises from 6A. Took money, did not disturb. Perhaps if 6C had tipped at Christmas, I'd've lifted a finger.
Saturday: Two tenners, one each from 6A and the valet on separate occasions. Instructed not to mention when the two do not leave flat all day. Well, 'tis no business of mine anyway.
Sunday: An additional quid from the valet in 6A to imply to 6C that the noises might be mice. Done and done. Have a man from the extermination agency coming tomorrow.
random_nexusMr. Coneybear's Work Diary
Monday - Those two gents from England are back! Wife loves to hear about them. Looking good for tips now. Got to try & rec. Mr. W have a look at those suede numbers in the shop around the corner. Would smoke with those purple socks.
Tuesday - Mr. J tipped a sawbuck for me to take the suede numbers, two prs paisley socks, a beautiful hat (poor Mr. W), and a pink-striped purple tie. Jackpot! Wife v. happy w/ new clothes. V. HAPPY! Who needs sleep to run an elevator, right?
Wednesday - Mr. W out late this am, tipped me a five. Do I like these fellas! Mr. J out & back twice, shopping. Dollar 1st time, looked like groceries. Fiver 2nd time, looked like some clothing boxes from nice place uptown, and sm. package wrapped in plain brown paper sticking out of coat pocket - huh? Mr. W back late afternoon, didn't smell like it, but seemed sauced to the gills. Muttering about 'courage' and 'men of iron will' and 'Wooster ancestors' and asked me if I thought he was good looking. Of course, said yes, but he didn't put the grab on me (not like that nasty old geezer on the 3rd floor! No tips big enough, brother!). Tipped me another sawbuck, but swear he looked like he was going to his own hanging! Took a chance and patted him on the back, told him he'd be fine. What a smile on that one! Wonder what's doing?
Thursday - Slow day. Didn't see the two Eng. gents. All day.
Friday - This am, Manager said Eng. gents' neighbors complaining about odd noises. Said I didn't hear nothing--not sure what I DID hear on way down at end of shift, but with those tips? I didn't hear nothing. Mr. W. out once in pm, smiling like his face'd split! Shook my hand & gave me a 20! Does he even know what money's worth? Never saw Mr. J at all.
Saturday - Mr. J out early, just after my shift started. HE almost smiled (fella never smiles), and HE tipped me a sawbuck, came back with more groceries. Mr. W out mid aft. tipped me a sawbuck BOTH WAYS! Back with some flowers & champagne? Big ol' bottle. Haven't seen any gals around this time. Really wonder what's doing! Liked his bright green tie, hope Mr. J hates it. Would look a treat with my blue suit.
Sunday - Didn't see Mr. W or Mr. J all day again. Shucks. Would've liked that tie. Going to be a treat telling the wife what I didn't hear early this am and after lunch. AND on the way down late pm, too. Such a shame, them two could've made a couple gals pretty happy, but I didn't hear nothing. Not many fellas like that in the world, and that's a fact.
waqaychayThe secret diary of Rocky Todd
Monday: I couldn't sleep today for some reason. Got up at the crack of 2pm. Must go to bed early to make up for the lack. I should get ready now. Six pm will be here soon.
Oh! Sleep!
Why do you forsake me?
Must I be reduced
To counting sheep?
Tuesday: Received letter from Bertie that was posted last week. He and Jeeves will be here tomorrow. I guess they need some peace and quiet after being in the city for so long. I don't know how they stood it for as long as they did. New York is a horrible place. I'll need to sort out the guest room.
Saturday: Water! I must have water! And food! These guys are trying to kill me. They're animals! Peace and quiet, my ass! I've never heard such a racket! And they never did use the guest room, even after I got it all ready for them.
Continuous screams of ecstasy
perpetual shouts of joy
but come on, fellas,
a man has to refuel every now and then. I mean, Jesus.
Sunday: Well, the guest room was finally slept in, though it was only because my own bed couldn't take the strain anymore. Jeeves said something about using the broken pieces for kindling. The boys leave for New York again tomorrow. You know, it's been far too long since I've visited the city. It's really not that bad with the right company....
To see the diaries on their original page: The diaries
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:25 pm (UTC)