(no subject)

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

<lj user="wemblee"> made a little comment to my comment on that S&M post by <lj user="lawnum">, where my throw-away comment of Bertie being 'Good, Giving, and Game' caused her to say that she would give anything to see the Wodehouse characters write in to Dan Savage. And so....

Anne Ravage Column

A sex columnist for a magazine that nearly everyone in the Woosterverse reads, but no-one admits to reading.

I once obsessively read about a year or two's worth of Dan Savage columns, so I will try to play the part of Anne, who may or may not be tippling absinthe. (Warning: I might not be back on until Monday.)

Post in character, have at it!

------------------------------

Greetings and salutations again, my loyal readership. This week's column is not sure what's backwards or forwards, up or down, as a few inverts decide to write in. Let's have a look at what's been driving some people absolutely Wilde lately.

Comments

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

Ooohhhh, Dan Savage love!!

Hm... Jeeves.

EDIT: posted before I meant to.

I am writing in to ask for your advice. I have an employer I am desperately attracted to, and I believe he is an invert as well, but I simply cannot tell. It very easily may be wishful thinking. I want to pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with him, but I do not wish to lose my employment or his friendship.
What would you suggest I do?

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

I hope that was what you meant...

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

Yep! Now I needs must attempt to be a cheeky, American, possibly absinthe-minded woman that loves giving sexual advice.....

Odd, I can't make her sarcastic. How'd I do on my end?

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

Dear Inside Out in London,

Ah, that love that dare not speak it's name. Which does do a nasty job of blocking up the communications, eh? And to add to your troubles, there is the added element of class distinction.

This is a most delicate situation indeed.

I think trying to ignore the situation is completely out of the question. The truth must come out, or the relationship you have shall deteriorate, you can be sure of that. All that strain of filtering every word and action.

No, no.

But, as an invert, being too bold carries heavy dangers of it's own. I'll be back in a moment.



Ah-ha! An indirect approach would be best, and this is what I shall recommend. Start sending him little tokens of the 'secret admirer' sort, and make sure you discuss these mysterious gifts with him. The first test of the waters shall be when this secret admirer admits to being a man. At the very least, you shall see how he reacts to being the subject of a man's amour. If it is...unfavourable, you will know you may have to move on, and my heartfelt sympathies to you. If it is favourable, then we know we may continue, and you should lay on the hints heavier and heavier, watching his responses carefully.

Once you feel secure that the waters are free of sharks and weeds, the reveal!

And, when this leads to the lovely tumble that dare not speak it's name, do write, with exquisite detail!

- Best of Luck, Anne

Re: Odd, I can't make her sarcastic. How'd I do on my end?

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

Well... first off, I just wanna point out that it's "the love that dare not speak ITS name".

Idk. It's very... well, it's good advice, for sure, but it's very *not* in the style of Dan Savage. If that is what you were going for, that is.

Um... I'm trying not to be *nasty* here, trying not to be offensive or anything, but do you see what I'm saying?

Re: Odd, I can't make her sarcastic. How'd I do on my end?

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

I really wanted to, but it sounded all wrong! Anne's voice in my head sounds nothing like Dan! I'll try to do some research, but I'm not sure how to fix this. Though, even Dan tends to go a bit squishy with a sitch like that! Very delicate, indeed. Sorry about the grammar, *headbash*.

Still, I think this is a fun idea. I'll give a few more goes, and if I keep falling flat, someone else could be Anne, maybe?

Speaking of which, would anyone like to offer an alternate Anne reply to Inside Out in London?

Re: Odd, I can't make her sarcastic. How'd I do on my end?

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

IOIL:
So, you're an invert. Your employer might be, but you don't know for sure.

This is exactly why booze was invented. Either get him good and drunk one day, or, if you prefer, wait for him to come home drunk. Don't flat out ask him if he digs your ass -- no matter how nice your employer may be, it's unlikely he'd be okay with that, even if he did dig your ass. But, with a little care, you should be able to lead the conversation to a direction which would provide you with an answer.

Does he have a lot of broken engagements? Does he seem unaffected by the female form? If so, you have a wonderful opening there -- go after it.

If not, then you must find something else that may yield an answer.

And if it flops, pretend you were drunk, too.


How was that?

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

Oh, very nice! Better than mine, most def! Maybe I'm the wrong filly for this...

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I HAVE been reading a ton of Savage Love lately, though, so that just might be it. Or maybe it's an off-letter... the one you did below was really rather good.

... now I REALLY want a Dan Savage icon that says: Sex: you're doing it wrong.

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Whew! Mind if I pretend you're replacement to mine was her real answer, and base the next one off it? I'll try to put a spin on it, but it just screams 'alcohol'!

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

your, not you're.

And no, I don't mind, but I doubt alcohol would work with Jeeves. And given the tone of the letter, I think that's something Ravage would pick up on.

Something like... "In this type of situation, I almost always advise getting the guy good and drunk, but something tells me that this isn't a situation that calls for it." and then go from there.

[blackletter]

Dear Anne Ravage,

My heart has been stolen away not too long ago by the most ravishing, delightful, gorgeous creature I have ever laid eyes upon. Those golden locks, those soulful eyes, which make my pulse beat faster every time I gaze into their depths. I would confess my adoration in an instant, but you see, I'm already attached to someone--someone whom I once thought was destined to be my one and only although I now realise that we don't suit each other at all, and it's the golden-haired soulful-eyed person who's the one for me. How can I disentangle myself from this old and clearly unsuitable match so that I may be free to pursue this enchanting person who is the love of my life?

Sincerely,

Desperately In Love (It's The Real Thing This Time)

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

Dear Desperate,

Oh, no. Desperate, I'm not sure what it was, exactly, but I get the feeling this is not an uncommon occurrence for you. I actually have a friend exactly like you, if I'm not mistaken. Do you 'fall in love', as you put it, about once a week?

I actually would advise you break it off, as you don't seem all that dependable in the first place. Tell her that she reminds you of your mother, or that she's as a sister to you. That tends to do the trick. If not, say her favorite colour makes her look twice her natural size, or her hat makes her look like a Pekingese.

As for this new one you fancy, hold off. Back off. Slow down. Don't do a thing, and just see how long this longing persists. I'd also advise you keep a journal, and write down every time Cupid hits you between the eyes. After a few months, reread the whole lot. You may be surprised, and you'll be the only one.

Give it a rest, Anne.

[nemesishamartia.livejournal.com]

This one's really good. It sounds a lot more like him. Not QUITE like him, but more than reply to mine. I'd rework some of the wording here and there, but for the most part, BRAVO!

[pyrocrastinator.livejournal.com]

What-ho! I'm in a spot of trouble, and since the one I'd normally confide in is the cause of it, I thought perhaps you could help.

I'll try to keep things simple - the person I'm in love with has no reason to love me back. I'm a man and he's a man, but that's not even the problem. Well, not the whole problem. It is something of an obstacle, of course. I don't know that he's disinclined toward coves, exactly, but I don't know that he isn't, either.

But even if one of us was a female, I don't know what he'd see in me. He's brilliant, and I'm... something of an idiot. He's always fishing me out of the soup. Frankly, I'm amazed he's stuck around this long as it is.

I probably should mention that by "stuck around" I mean "consented to work for." He's my employee, you see. I won't say more, or rather can't. I'm quite convinced that most of the people I know read your column when the rest of us aren't looking, probably because we're busy reading it ourselves.

Should I admit to him that I'm an invert? If I do, assuming he doesn't tender his resignation at that, should I wait a bit to tell him the rest?

Or is it completely hopeless? I won't mind if you say it is.

--Er, sorry, can't think of a clever name at the mo.

(Out of Character: ...Does it have to be someone from the Jeeves stories? Or can it be any Wodehouse character? I've got a specific one in mind.)

[pyrocrastinator.livejournal.com]

*should read "consented to work for ME"* D'oh.

You know what? Yes, let's bring in all of team Wodehouse. Why the hell not?

[kakareen.livejournal.com]

Dear Can't Think,

Well, if he has stuck around, you must have some redeemable qualities, C. T. If nothing else, I'll hazard you pay well. But, we'll leave that aside. After all, there is little logic to romance. Even if he shouldn't love you, C. T., it doesn't mean he won't.

No, I don't think it's completely hopeless, and you are a horribly obvious liar for claiming it wouldn't bother you if it was. Don't kid yourself, dear fellow, you wouldn't be writing to me if that were the case!

Anyhow, this is a suspiciously reverse problem of the one up top, but we won't dwell on that.

Normally, this is where I say 'get well ossified, and confess all', but you said he was rather bright, and he may see through that. So how about you do a more indirect approach? Say you'd like a chat, and at some point, ask him his thoughts on Oscar Wilde. If he is a bright guy, he'll pick up where you're going with it, and it may very well lead to tumble-bunnies ever after.

As long as he doesn't revolt at your implications of being a invert yourself, then no, don't hold off. Dive right for it. I'm willing to bet you've been hiding and occasionally having extra-long 'soaks in the bath' for while already. I often tip the velvet myself, I know how it is. Might as well get it all over with in one go.

Rereading 'Dorian Gray', Anne.

[laughinggas13.livejournal.com]

Dear Anne,

I am so glad to see this open and enlightened attitude and will be recommending your column as one every modern woman should read. I have seen that recently several of the 'green carnation' brigade have been writing in and my own problem is somewhat connected.

I suspect that my fiance is an invert. He no longer responds to my affectionate suggestions as to reading matter, preferring the works of Oscar Wilde. In fact, I rarely see him as whenever I enter a room, he appears to be leaving. I doubt this is unconnected with the arrival of his new valet.

Frankly, Anne, I am worried. Worried and confused. How should I go about winning him back? Should I be trying to win him back? Is the idea that a woman is incomplete without a man merely the result of the antiquated attitude of society?

Yours, Anguished.

P.S. I should like, with your permission, to quote from your column in my next book: The Anima of Sex.

[random-nexus.livejournal.com]

Dear Anne,

Bit of a sticky wicket here and I've no idea what to do. In a nutshell, a relative of mine has this utterly perfect beyond reason servant, and I have become rather smitten with him. Which, if you've ever read any of Rosie M. Banks' novels, you'd know wouldn't be insurmountable; however, there is one problem: I'm a chap. So, it's not as if I can pop in for tea and announce that I'd like to 'take him away from all this', now can I? Besides, I suspect my twin brother has a bit of a thing for him, as well. Not only that, but this servant has proven to be quite loyal to my relative, in the face of ridiculous odds and outrageous circumstance. I've come to seriously suspect that this sort of thing runs in the blood, and that my relative has already stolen his man's heart, or vice versa. In which case, I haven't a shot at it, anyhow. But I can hardly visit without wanting to fling myself all over the man. He fairly makes me seethe with lust longing.

Anne, Oh, Anne, since I can't ask my brother, and the object of my affections would be my next choice for advice, I'm writing to you. What should I do!?

Quite desperately;
"Obviously The Bad Twin"

Mike

[pyrocrastinator.livejournal.com]

My partner is of the talkative sort. Really, really talkative. I'm used to this, having been with him for some time, and normally it doesn't bother me...

...But he talks while we're in bed. And I don't mean the sort of 'in bed' where it's perfectly acceptable to lie next to each other and discuss this and that, I mean 'in bed.' It's not a turn-off, per se - quite the opposite, actually - but it does make me wonder:

Am I boring him? Is he so disinterested during sex that he'd rather be having a conversation? Physical... er, evidence, tells me that everything is fine, but I still worry.

--Sidekick

Re: Mike

[lawnnun.livejournal.com]

Sidekick, I get the feeling that you're one of those guys that has absorbed all our toxic cultural conditioning to never talk about our feelings if we can possibly help it. By which I mean, you're straight-acting as all hell, aren't you? Because if you weren't such a goddamn man (if you're a cricketer, send pictures) you would've just pulled your mouth off of his dick sometime and said, "Is there anything else I could be doing?" Seriously, just ask the guy. Maybe you should've been fisting him this whole and time and he's shy. Maybe he's nervous. Probably, if he's usually verbal, he's just being himself. If he talks that much and none of it's complaining, you're probably doing fine.

Relax, Anne