Bertie and the Kitten
Nov. 23rd, 2007 09:57 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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indeedsir_backupAuthor: Melanthios V. Bathurst, Esq. (
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mellifluous_ink )Word Count: 1,733
Warnings: None, this chapter
Disclaimer: Wodehouse is awesome and I'm just romping a bit.
Summary: This was written after reading the wiki article on Bertie. The article has a section that compares all his fiancées, and in reading their traits I started creating an antithesis, wondering what would make the perfect wife for Bertie Wooster? Well, not a normal woman, certainly, so enter Felicia Hadley....
Author's Notes: None, this chapter
Chapter One: In Which Florence Plays Matchmaker
Chapter Two: In Which Jeeves and Wooster Meet Kitty in Turns and There is Confrontation
Chapter Three: In Which There is a Ring and a Confession, Though Not in That Order
Chapter Four: In Which Bertie Gets Invited to Dinner, and Kitty Frets Over the Results of a Certain Altercation with Garden Shears
Chapter Five
To say Bertie and Roger hit it off was putting it lightly—Kitty was giddy with delight by the end of the evening; it turned out Bertie was fond of marksmanship, though he had an eternal frustration with guns as he could never keep them on target due to noise. Roger promised to teach him archery and take him on a ‘silent hunt’ once hunting season opened. Bertie was ecstatic, as that meant he had a friend in the country to visit during the one season he couldn’t reasonably wriggle out of social engagements.
‘Only too happy to help,’ Roger said with a smile as they sat out on the balcony—it was a balmy evening, and so Roger had mixed them all a refreshing Jack Rose before they had retired to enjoy the night air. It was a graceful cover for the fact that he didn’t allow smoking in his flat out of respect for his sister (rather, she did not visit otherwise—Kitty was of the opinion that she damaged her voice enough with the smoky air of the club).
Kitty had been sitting next to Bertie on the willow love seat as the men were talking, curled up in Bertie’s arm. When Roger blithely invited Bertie to the estate, Kitty’s lower lip caught between her teeth and she looked away. Bertie felt her tensing up, and broke off to look at her; seeing her pretty face tight with concern, he gently turned her face back to his.
‘I say, dear little kitten, what’s wrong?’ His voice was uncommonly gentle as he looked into her eyes.
‘I…it’s just that if you go off to the estate I can’t…wo’n’t…come with…’ She began to tremble as her lips formed around the next words, ‘Father and Mother…’
‘Father died last winter,’ Roger said very quietly. ‘I did not know how to tell you, sister dear. I am Sir Clancey, baronet, now.’
‘A-and Mother?’ Kitty remembered her mother as being of the same mind as her father, though more passive and underhanded about it. It was almost worse than the yelling and the beatings Father had given her. Not that Kitty wasn’t used to swishings, but once her father had started seeing signs of outright effeminacy he’d decided to beat some boyishness into his youngest son. Kitty was just grateful she didn’t have scars.
Roger’s eyes turned dark, and his voice had a touch of bitter triumph. ‘She misses her child too much to care anymore. I haven’t dissuaded her from her worrying about your fate; she’s convinced you had to turn to prostitution to survive this long.’
Bertie was frightened at the way his fiancée’s pretty face twisted into such hate. ‘She’ll still call me her dear son Neddy,’ she said, shuddering in distaste. ‘And if she finds out I’m a cabaret singer…’
‘I say!’ Bertie protested with a pout, ‘The Black Cat is not a cabaret! It’s quite a ritzy place altogether.’
Kitty laughed fondly, snuggling into her beau, who put his other arm around her as well, stroking her hair gently—she’d left it down for him, which Bertie found unexpectedly sensuous.
‘You always know just what to say, Bertie darling,’ she said lovingly, reaching up to touch his cheek with her hand. He smiled, tapping out his cigarette and shyly kissing her forehead. She giggled, which made him blush, which made her giggle even more.
‘Kitty…’ Bertie was still jarred at Kitty’s offhand referral that her name had been something as…as mundane…as Edward. He took one arm from her to pick up his drink from its place on the table beside the love seat.
‘You two are adorable,’ Roger said with a grin, crossing his legs as he blew smoke from his oddly clove-flavoured cigarette (Bertie had tried a puff and found it awfully rich, though strangely alluring; definitely a sort of ethereal dessert). Bertie blushed at the comment, though smilingly so; Kitty, however, gave Roger a look full of mischief.
‘O, and you and Honeysett aren’t even more sickeningly cute?’
Bertie nearly startled out of his embrace with Kitty. ‘Honeysett?’ he said, shocked, though his voice was by no means a carrying one when it was surprised—Bertie’s voice cracked when he felt shocked, and got more breathless than booming. ‘I say! You mean you…with your man?’ once the initial surprise wore off, he could think on it. ‘That’s…a bit odd, isn’t it?’
‘Is it?’ Roger asked, raising one auburn brow. Bertie looked as though he were thinking very hard; his brows were furrowed, his eyes focusing on something far beyond the tiled floor of the balcony, his lips in a pout that made Roger wonder how Kitty could stand not kissing him silly. Still, Roger was pleased—Bertie was so innocent—but in a lovely way—he had a child-like acceptance of the unusual, and like a child seemed to question the things most took for granted.
‘Well…I suppose it would make life difficult if you quarrelled, wouldn’t it?’ he said finally. ‘I mean, Jeeves is difficult enough when I’ve got a tie he doesn’t like. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if we were…well…’
‘Boyfriends?’ Kitty suggested with a soft smile. Roger chuckled.
‘With Jeeves, I can imagine you’d have to concede to his will. Honeysett is nothing like him, though I adored having them both; even when Jeeves and I fought, it was never really over anything that we stayed angry about.’
~oOo~
Florence was not happy, not happy at all. She had taken the liberty of observing Bertie Wooster since she had introduced him to Kitty, and was not much pleased with the result. He was more dunderheaded than ever, and what was more, Kitty did not seem in a hurry to change this—she even seemed to like it! Therefore, when she was scheduled to visit for tea that afternoon, Florence resolved to address the alarming state of affairs with her friend.
She was halted in her tracks when Kitty arrived. The younger girl was wearing a ring on her left ring finger that sparkled with a diamond (an obviously cheap diamond, from the colour, but it was still a ring, even if it was white gold and painfully simple). Her suit today was of bold black and white stripes.
‘O Florie!’ Kitty gushed upon seeing her friend, rushing over to take her hands excitedly. ‘The most wonderful thing’s happened! Bertie’s proposed! And we’re getting married!’
Bertie never proposed to me, Florence thought with some petulance; but she put on a smile. ‘O,’ she said, feigning delight. ‘But the ring doesn’t look as though he’s terribly serious.’
To Florence’s shock, Kitty laughed. ‘O no, quite the contrary. It isn’t every man who actually pays attention to what a girl likes. Blue diamonds are my favourite, you know, and I refuse to wear yellow gold.’
Florence’s mood grew darker. ‘But Kitty, dear, how can you stand him?’
‘Stand him?’ Kitty smiled quizzically, tilting her head. ‘Whatever do you mean? O I know he isn’t your type, Florie darling,’ she said hurriedly as they sat on the sofa. ‘But you know, there’s more to him than meets the eye.’ She paused. ‘You look upset, Florie, what’s wrong?’
‘O, nothing!’ Florence lied as she poured tea. ‘It’s only…well, I thought you’d want to cultivate his mind a bit more.’ A thought occurred to her as Kitty was stirring a lump of sugar into her cup. ‘Oho, but you know his reputation, don’t you?’ Her giggle had an edge to it as she took a sip of tea.
Kitty was well and truly confused, now. ‘His reputation for what?’
Florence nearly jumped for joy; Kitty didn’t know! ‘O Kitty dear,’ she said, affecting sympathy and patting the girl’s arm. ‘Bertie always gets cold feet, didn’t you know?’
‘He did the proposing,’ Kitty pointed out, though her confidence was shaken; she knew Florence and Bertie had been engaged once, but Florence was acting like this had happened many times before. Nervous, she twisted her ring on her finger after putting her cup down.
‘Well yes, he always does.’ Florence said knowledgably, setting her cup down on the saucer. ‘Down on one knee?’ she asked, unable to contain her curiosity.
Kitty nodded, brightening a little.
Though she was seething inside, Florence managed to click her tongue. ‘And roses?’
‘A rose,’ Kitty said, falling back into gloom again. Florence noted she was twisting her ring even more now, practically wringing her hands.
‘O dear…’ Florence said. Roses? Romance? It’s not fair! What does Kitty have that I didn’t?
When Kitty ran out a few moments later, her tears thinly veiled, Florence was altogether too pleased; now Kitty would break the engagement, and Bertie would be so distraught he’d come back to her, Florence, someone of stronger character than this little strumpet, whom she’d clearly misjudged.
~oOo~
‘Wooster residence.’
‘Jeeves, I need you to tell me something. Be honest.’
‘Miss Felicia, you are in a state.’
‘I know I’m in a state, Jeeves! I can’t bloody well come over and weep into your arms anymore, can I?! Florence has just hauled off and told me about Bertie’s proclivity for abandoning girls at the edge of the altar!’ Kitty’s voice was tearful and quivering with pain and the edge of anger.
‘I can see how Lady Florence would think that of him, miss.’ When Kitty made a sound of protest, Jeeves went on. ‘However, it has always been my humble opinion that Lady Florence would not be pleased at anyone marrying mister Wooster and would, therefore, be inclined to sabotage any engagement thereof.’
‘But she made the match!’ Kitty cried with a sob.
‘I am aware of that, miss,’ Jeeves said patiently. He waited quietly on the line until Kitty calmed down and the words sank in; unlike Bertie, Kitty caught on to Jeeves’ correctness much quicker. Jeeves suspected it was because she had relied on him for things of great deal more import than his current master did. ‘May I suggest, miss, that you call on mister Wooster for supper?’
There was a sniffle. ‘Yes sir,’ Kitty said, quite forgetting her age, and hung up. A moment later the phone rang again. Jeeves answered it, trying not to sound too patronising.
‘Seven o’clock, miss.’
‘Right.’ She hung up again.
Jeeves readied himself to go out and fetch a few things.
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Date: 2007-11-24 09:27 am (UTC)I laughed hysterically when Bertie found out about Roger and Honeysett. You would think it wouldn't surprise him anymore, but then, he's Bertie. :D
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Date: 2008-01-28 02:38 am (UTC)Demands moar!
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Date: 2008-01-28 02:50 am (UTC)