[identity profile] schreckschraube.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] indeedsir_backup
Title: Jeeves and the Mating of the Scorpions
Chapter: 3
Pairing: Jeeves/Wooster
Summary: Tall, dark and handsome has Issues. Isses with a capital I.
Rating: PG-13.
Words: 1500
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, settings or storylines; they were all thought up by PG Wodehouse (except for the Phnell-Bunghams, I'm pretty sure I made them up). This story was written and published only for fun, and no financial profit is made by anyone.


The night was filled with pleasant dreams, and I woke up the next day, my heart filled with song. Jeeves floated in with my tea, and the day could not have been better.

He put the tray down with a sunny little smile. His “Good morning, sir” had a vibration to it like a lamb’s tail.

“Listen, Jeeves”, I said, “don’t you think it’s time we adjusted to this whole thing? I mean to say, you don’t have to call me sir when we’re alone. And I’d rather call you something other than Jeeves.”

He tilted his head thoughtfully. What wonderful ideas had he got hidden in there? “This could be a critical step, sir.”

“Rather! I mean it to be!”

“You misunderstand me. If we embark upon such a habit, sir, we might produce a lapse in public, with potentially disastrous consequences. Your family might force us to part ways.”

“Pshaw, just let them try! We Woosters are made of steel!”

“If I may say so, sir, one Wooster made of steel against a dozen other Woosters, also made of steel, could hardly carry his point.”

“H’m, I hadn’t thought of that. Well, maybe I would, but you wouldn’t make that sort of a bloomer. You can still call me Bertie.”

“I would rather not, sir. It is dangerous.”

I sighed and took a sip of tea. “So this is the agony of a secret pash!”

“Precisely, sir. But we must not let it demoralize us. The agony of getting caught would be much worse.”

We smiled at each other like calves for about a minute and a half, and then he biffed off to prepare our departure for the capital.



What with one thing coming to another and the affairs I had to settle after a week of absence, I had no time to be alone with Jeeves and make sheep-eyes at him until eleven in the evening. Jeeves was still busy in the kitchen, and I was quite tired and went off to catch some dreamless. He tucked me in and said goodnight.

This was all very nice, I pondered after he had left me, but I would have liked a goodnight kiss. I should have suggested it while he had been here! In fact, I should have invited him to share the young master’s bed. It was, after all, large enough for two! Why hadn’t he stayed for a cuddle? I wasn’t even asking for another round of illegitimacy. I would have welcomed it, but I wasn’t asking for it. Why was I in my bed, and he in his? One of us was in the wrong bed. We were lovers now, after all.

So I decided to take steps, and I took them towards his lair. I knocked, but when I got no answer, I silently stole inside and traipsed to his bed.

“Jeeves?”

He gargled something. “Sir? Is something wrong?”

“No. Just wanted to join you for a bit.” I shoved myself in under the covers with him – which just about filled the narrow bed. But I soon had plenty of space, because Jeeves at once eeled away from me as if I were lava. If there hadn’t been a wall on the other side, he would have fallen out.

“Sir, what are you doing?” he asked sharply.

“Just joining you.” I noticed a distinct lack of passion in this chap.

“To do what?”

“Oh, whatever you like.” I snuggled into his pillow. “If you don’t particularly want anything, I’ll just lie here and bask in your presence.”

But Jeeves was not enthused. In fact, he put on a tone of perfect indignation. “Sir, do you think it appropriate to climb into your servants’ beds at night?!”

“What?” I mean to say – he sounded as if he was scolding me for trying to seduce the milkmaid. “But – what?”

“I do think you’re being overly familiar.”

“Me? Familiar?! You had your finger in my –“

“That was different, sir”, he said, rather antarctically.

I couldn’t believe it. “Jeeves, are you spurning me? Turning me away?”

“I would much prefer it if you slept in your own bed, sir.”

“But…”

“Sir.” Just one quiet, cool word, but it broke my heart. What had gotten into him? What had I done? For a single moment, I even doubted whether I had not lost my mind and imagined everything that had passed between us for the last few weeks. Had I finally gone off the brink, the way Aunt Agatha – and even Aunt Dahlia – often suggested? Was it finally the padded cell for me? No, I decided. I had not imagined his looks, his kisses, and all the rest.

“Fine”, I said coldly. “Have it your way. Goodnight.” So I toddled off to my own bed, which now felt cold and empty, I swallowed a few tears of loneliness and finally went back to sleep.



Very much sobered, I woke up the next morning, and had hardly time to become aware of the full scope of my misery before Jeeves came in with the tea.

“Good morning, sir”, he said, the spring in his step and the bounce in his voice very much gone. He looked sobered too.

I eyed him from my bed and tried to demoralize him with my indifferent looks. After about four minutes of this, I knew that this wouldn’t get me anywhere. So I folded my arms and said coldly: “Will you kindly tell me why you turned me out into the cold dark night?”

I had hit the right note. His barrel chest heaved once, and then I he gave me the works. “Sir, do you trust me?”

“I don’t know, do I?”

“You always have. Please trust me on this, too.”

“Why? What for?”

“Because I do not operate in the customary way in these things. I need to use my own methods.”

“But… but I don’t understand! For weeks, you all but jump my shin, and when I come to you, you act as if I had the black plague! One could start to think you couldn’t stand me.”

“Trust me, sir. It is the only way I can play this game.”

“Is that what it is, then? A game?”

“No, sir, I merely meant…”

“You dish out your advances to me, but when I make some, you treat me like one of those slimy little red things that you find on the rocks in Brighton, what are they called?”

“It has momentarily slipped my mind, sir.”

“Are you playing me, then?”

“No, sir. I am sorry for what happened last night. I should have prepared you for this case, then you would not have had this unpleasant surprise.”

“But you don’t see any evil in your deeds, other than that? You don’t think that it’s, let’s say, a bit off to treat a lover like this? Jeeves, I’m devastated. I’m starting to think that you’re just pushing me around!”
“Certainly not, sir!”

“But that’s what it looks like. As if you don’t care for me at all, you just want another way to… dominate me. That’s the word. Dominate.”

“Sir!” Jeeves looked positively scandalized. “What you call dominance is the way I function, sir – the only way I can. If you want our… indiscretions to continue, we will have to play by my rules. I am aware that you may find it inconvenient, but I cannot help it. Trust me, please.”

“Fine, then”, I said. “So it’s your way or no way? Fine. Let’s cut the whole business out.”

Oh, he had not expected that one! He gasped like a fish.

“Because I won’t be pushed away like a… a cheese that has gone off whenever you feel like it!” I continued. “I’m too bally close to falling in love with you to play games about it.”

About seventeen different expressions were mixing in Jeeves’ face at this moment, and I could not name a single one of them before he had shoved his frog mask over the mess.

“As you say, sir. Will that be all?”

“Yes, that’s all”, I said, and meant it to sting.

For the next few days, Jeeves reduced himself to minimum in the household. He seldom came out of the kitchen, and if he did, he floated about like a ghost. Gone were his smile and the impish look in his eyes. He looked cold, sober and thin. I felt as if a large chunk had been ripped out of me and was being chewed by a lion, while the lion made sarcastic remarks about it; but I distracted myself pretty successfully by dropping in on everybody I knew, whether they liked it or not. I would come home after Jeeves’ bed-time and leave the flat for lunch again. It worked pretty well. And then came the day the whole Phnell-Bungham business began, and we were whisked away to a country-house that was really a scorpion pit in disguise.

Date: 2013-04-20 05:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stig-matic.livejournal.com
NOOOO! YOU IDIOTS!
Eagerly awaiting the next bit! One tiny thing, though - at one point, Bertie says "jumped my shin". Should that be skin?
Please tell me the pair of them see sense by the end...

Date: 2013-04-20 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lawnnun.livejournal.com
I got it, if you want a second vote.

And also: JEEVES STOP BEING A SILLY BASTARD. I tell him this so often, and it never seems to take.

Date: 2013-04-20 10:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] godsdaisiechain.livejournal.com
Good for you, Bertie! I am liking Backbone Wooster here... although I do wish he could get some snuggles

Date: 2013-04-20 02:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] haikitteh.livejournal.com
It just gets more intriguing! I am dying to know what Jeeves is up to. Plus I love Bertie standing up for himself. Fun chapter!

Date: 2013-04-21 01:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] erynn999.livejournal.com
Jeeves you dipshit. What are you playing at? *bites knuckles with anticipation*

Date: 2013-04-21 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] krisreinke.livejournal.com
Ever more interesting.
Also - am most impressed how you set things into the story timeframe of the novels. *smile*
Fine work!

Date: 2013-04-22 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-archandroid.livejournal.com
Simply absorbing! can't wait to see where it goes!

Date: 2013-04-22 10:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] umpteenth-gail.livejournal.com
Oh no, is that all there is for now? (pouts)

I laughed aloud at the bit about the lion chewing on a chunk of Bertie and making sarcastic remarks about it. That is so PG!

More please, and soon. Wonder what Jeeves is up to? Being controlling, or hiding something?

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