New Fic! (someone else's)

Hey, everyone!

I found a new story on Slash Cotillion. (OK, it's about two months old, but it's new to me) I don't recall seeing it here, so I hope it's new to all of you. It's called Jeeves Under Fire. The hitch is that it's a WIP, and currently only has one chapter. But trust me when I tell you it is brilliant, with tons of potential (and very cliffhangery, which tugs at my belly) Anyway, read it and if you like it, leave a review, because maybe if there's a sudden influx of demand, she'll write more. Which, trust me, you'll want her to.
ext_14419: the mouse that wants Arthur's brain (Default)

[identity profile] derien.livejournal.com 2005-10-21 12:20 pm (UTC)(link)
*peers at you* Are you her in disguise? A good friend, perhaps? Should I be honest, or would you rather I weren't?
ext_14419: the mouse that wants Arthur's brain (Default)

[identity profile] derien.livejournal.com 2005-10-22 12:53 am (UTC)(link)
Her Bertie voice isn't very good. I probably should detail all the ways, but I'm just home from an eleven hour day and don't have the energy to go back and look at it again at the moment, so I'll just go with the few I can remember off the top of my head....

1) Putting quotes around colloquial phrases always makes a person sound stuck up. Bertie never does it. He uses a phrase, tossing it off like it was natural to him, and very rarely uses several different phrases which mean the same thing unless he's trying to explain something to someone very thick.

2) Short paragraphs are not in character. A LOT of her paragraphs were one sentence.

3) Bertie can be a little rambly, but going around and around saying the same thing over and over again and not getting anywhere at all is really not his style.

4) Over the top angst is not Wodehousian. He DOES angst, but he does it very subtly, and with a sense of humor.

Basically, yes, it might have potential, if she cuts what she's written so far down to about one or two paragraphs and makes it more fun. She needs to cut mercilessly, and get somewhere with the story. It needs to move along, and dance a bit. I was not captivated in the least - I felt teased and jerked around.

[identity profile] meleth.livejournal.com 2005-10-22 01:23 am (UTC)(link)
Seconded, and I have to add that it just doesn't sound "Etonian" enough. More pip-pip, shine on the old shoes, e. and b. with the morning cup of, passing a f. h. across the b., etc.

[identity profile] meleth.livejournal.com 2005-10-22 01:23 am (UTC)(link)
an f.h. across the b., rather.

[identity profile] innocentsmith.livejournal.com 2005-10-22 01:31 am (UTC)(link)
I don't know...any new J/W fic automatically makes me do the happy Snoopy dance. So on that grounds alone, I want her to continue.

The Bertie narration isn't dead on, but it's far from being the worst I've ever read...*cough*Wodehouse/Star Trek crossover*cough*...I agree with Derien about the quotation marks thing...a lot could be done here with a good, ruthless beta.

The real problem, though, is that there isn't really a plot there yet. The plot that isn't there is quite possibly amazing...we've got hints of all kinds of dramatic happenings, and I could see them being worked together into something fabulous. But at this point everything is just alluded to, and not in a way that makes sequential sense. Why are the clothes singed? What's in the newspaper? What's happened, and when is the narration taking place in relation to that?

In a lot of my first stories, I made the mistake of assuming that what was clear to me about the plot, characters, setting, etc. would also automatically be clear to a reader. Doesn't work that way. In fanfic, you've got a little more of a safety net, since the characters and setting (unless it's AU) generally are already familiar and don't need explaining. But if you want it to be at all coherent, you still have to think about the order of your revelations, and the effect you want each to have.

I don't say any of this from some lofty Parnassian height, mind you. This is hard stuff, and God knows I struggle like the dickens. But it's not impossible, and I have high hopes that this author can write something lovely. The fact that she's writing J/W at all seems proof enough she's one of the Right Sort.
ext_14419: the mouse that wants Arthur's brain (Default)

[identity profile] derien.livejournal.com 2005-10-22 02:28 am (UTC)(link)
The fact that she's writing J/W at all seems proof enough she's one of the Right Sort.

True enough, and I would hate to discourage anyone. I certainly don't want her to give up. Which is probably why I haven't said all that I said directly to her. Because I know I suck at couching my crits in an encouraging way.

Oh, that Wodehouse/Star Trek crossover, I remember that one! Heh, it wasn't particularly in the right tone, but it did make me laugh. :)